Tested then gone

The gloomiest weeks of the year were brightened by an England test series which like them all flashed by before I knew it.  When we’re playing away in New Zealand it’s hard to get too involved due to the time difference but starting at 2200 it did mean a few late nights as I couldn’t resist waiting till the lunch break before going to bed.  That said I did have at least one early night during each match when a tumble of wickets had me cursing my way up the stairs expecting to find an England batting disaster when I cam back down in the morning.  Happily I was wrong on two out of three occasions and this reflected how the series finished and to win 2-1 away against the Kiwis is a very good result.

The latest quirky selection will give the selectors something to think about.  Jacob Bethell, aged 19 with 260 runs in the series batting at first drop, including three second innings half centuries against a decent attack.  How can they leave him out now?  If Jamie Smith is going to reclaim the gloves then for me either Crawley or Pope has to make way.  It should be Crawley but can someone else in this squad open the batting?  Another injury for the skipper is troubling and once again I wonder if his bowling is worth the risk and if not we need to balance the side somehow.  Stokes has the technique to open the batting.  The bowlers all done quite well, Carse looks comfortable at Test level but Woakes continues to look uncomfortable abroad.  I like Woakes and hope he gets the opportunities to pass two notable statistical landmarks that are looming.  I’m not convinced about Bashir though despite his regular wicket taking.  If the team’s balance has to change then maybe he could be another that makes way?  Of the eleven that started the first test match of the year in India only five played in the last match in New Zealand and they were all batsmen.  If I were selector there’d be a few more changes before our next match in May.  (In May!?!  We’ve got to wait six months for more Test cricket!!  ICC bastards.

XI for test vs Zimbabwe that will never be picked by anyone other than me

Stokes, Ducket, Bethell, Root, Brook, Pope, Smith, Woakes, Ahmed, Atkinson, Archer/Wood/Carse

Shitstorm

The shitstorm in the middle east won’t go away, now in Syria the “brutal” Asaad regime has been toppled.  We are told that this is a good thing because the Syrian leadership was in cahoots with the filthy Russians and the dodgy Iranians and because Asaad himself was a bit of a bastard.  But honestly, was he any worse than the oil gangsters in Saudi?  And who are the rebels that have ousted the old guard?  Searching my memory, wasn’t it Islamic State (so called) when this blew up before?  Have people forgotten the last time the west celebrated a middle eastern dictator being removed things soon got a whole lot worse.

Fah fetched

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Another one of ‘those’ books that everyone has read and from the same era as ‘on the road’ but this I enjoyed a lot more but I have to admit to being predisposed to like a dystopian fiction.  NB it can’t go unnoticed that this was written in the aftermath of Orwell’s alleged fictional vision.

This is a world in which books are banned and immediately burned on discovery, their owners sentenced to death.  Montag is a fireman a profession in this future which is responsible for this state sponsored incineration censorship.  That in days gone by fireman traditionally doused the flames is now just a whispered myth.  Away from work the population is stupefied by prescription drugs and manipulated by large screens mounted on their walls and if they want to get out they get into a car and drive like Winston Wolf.  All the while people live in permanent fear of war.  This is a short book that reads easily, doesn’t get bogged down and finishes with a glimpse of hope.

But then again maybe it’s all too far fetched, after all it’s not like we live in a world where people spend their free time out of their minds on narcotics; licensed, prescription or otherwise.  Where people are addicted to interactions through a handheld device which drip feeds them bullshit whilst it simultaneously strokes their alter egos until they think the virtual version is the real them.   It’s not like this is the only time any ‘reading’ goes on because most of the time people are staring at screens that drench them in whatever the current desired world view may be.  And we would never point and sneer at anyone daft enough to suggest that the world we are told we live in might actually be something else.  No that couldn’t happen.

Up the Creek

 

"On the Road" by Jack Keruoac

A cast of dubious characters travel across the USA by road, either hitching or actually driving themselves.  Starting at New York they usually end up at San Francisco by way of Denver but actually reach Mexico before the end.  On their travels they are fuelled by loads of booze with a side dish of narcotics and try to jump on almost any passing female.  Surprisingly they claim to be successful and on some of these occasions no cash changes hands.  Sal and friends very predictably behave very badly but this is the late 40’s and compared to more recent generations its all a bit tame although I suppose it was probably considered shocking when published.  I had the impression that many of the characters were rich kids posing as artists, slumming it amongst the weirdos and riff raff but all the time they know they can just send a telegram and have funds wired and so their lives and experience are fake.  Reference ‘Common people’ by Pulp.  But not ‘Dean’ who our narrator spends half the book trying to convince us is some kind of sainted, tortured genius and is unable to disguise that he’s actually a selfish prick who could do with a long lay down on a doctor’s couch.

A revered book, classic of the beat generation etc.  Kerouac’s unique new prose, seriously?  Does unique mean bad, or lazy at best.  Another edit could have done wonders for this. The casual racism and blatant sexism can be reasonably explained by being "of its time".  There are passages and scenes that are really good and very readable but for far too much its just boring and predictable.  Disappointing.

Does something need to change?

The weeks pass so quickly and Test cricket gets squeezed into a schedule and has to play second fiddle to what has come to be known as ‘franchise cricket’, the thirst for cash ruins everything.  The result is the greatest game is suffering in terms of quality and a bloody test series is over as soon as it has begun.  None of which excuses two poor performances from England which allowed a 1-0 advantage to slip away, this after the amazing, record breaking first test.  What is going on?  How can England be so good one week and so poor the next?  We can’t point to injuries this time because we fielded two first choice elevens and good selection has been a feature of the BB era.  Maybe I should blame myself, every time I heap loads of praise on them -“…best team in the world…” etc. they fall flat on their faces.  However if the team plays with some consistency then this best in the world accolade would become reality.

What has to change?  Our last team to be number one in the world was Andrew Strauss’ team in 2011/12, in which all of the top seven batsmen averaged over forty.  In our current top three we have two players averaging under thirty five.  England’s brains trust like having Crawley come out and bat like a number six and when it comes off it is spectacular but when it doesn’t we give the opposition a start.  To be fair Crawley’s form has mostly been going in the right direction recently but he’s been fortunate to get the opportunity to play fifty Test matches.  The leading openers in county cricket are the likes of Jennings, Hameed, Lees and Burns all of whom have been tried and discarded before.  Then we have Ollie Pope who has played a couple more tests and has also had more chances than most test cricketers who have similar numbers.  Surely both these players must find form to retain their places?

The captain has been questioned this week but his place is certainly not in question however I wonder what is his playing role these days?  If he is still a genuine all rounder then fine, we know form is temporary and he’ll be firing again soon.  But if his bowling days are over then the balance of the side is altered and the line up must change.  In this case I’d have to say goodbye to Pope, bat Stokes at three, move Smith up a place and play him purely as a batsman then pick a proper wicket keeper, Jordan Cox looks like getting a chance in this spot in the near future.

Our pace bowling unit has had big changes enforced upon it in the last twelve months and a few players have taken their chances; Atkinson has had an excellent start to his career and the likes of Potts, Stone, Carse and Tongue have done okay but none of these should stand in the way of fully fit Mark Wood and dare I say it Jofra Archer.  I like Chris Woakes and would have him around for a home series, specially if the captain isn’t bowling.  Ironically our spin bowlers are looking good, I say ironic because we won’t be playing in Asia again for a few years now so it will be rare to have more than one spinner in the XI.  So we get to choose between Leach when fit, the almost forgotten Tom Hartley and the current first choice Shoaib Bashir.  However for me the most exciting spinner is Rehan Ahmed and I’d love to see him in the side more regularly.  His younger brother is said to be even better and hopefully one of these players could develop into a genuine all rounder because I have a feeling that space will be vacant sooner than any of us would like.

Next up are three test matches in New Zealand beginning at the end of November.  The Kiwi’s are always hard to beat (as recently demonstrated in India!) but we should expect England on top form to win comfortably.  If not then it should be time for some hard questions.  Oh yeah there’s some white ball stuff coming up later this week too, I might take a passing interest…

Tested?

The Test match summer came to an end a couple of weeks ago while I was otherwise engaged.  Having already won the series England were arrogant in selecting an unknown fast bowler then managed to produce possibly the worst home performance in years.  The batting was mostly awful, to lose 17 wickets for about 250 runs is simply not good enough and will mean defeat at almost any time.  When given the chance to be heroes and bowl England to victory our new attack wasn’t up to the task.  The captaincy throughout was naive at best and at worst, that word again – arrogant.  Fair play to Sri Lanka for getting the win but they should never have been allowed to get into the position to do so.  When England are on form they are the best team in the world but when they are bad they're infuriating.

Of the ‘new’ batsmen given a run this summer Lawrence didn’t take his chance and may never get another but Jamie Smith absolutely did and looks as if he could be something special.  His wicket keeping was tidy enough to make me stop banging on about Foakes, maybe.  With the bowlers Gus Atkinson looked the part right up until the final innings, Bashir done well enough and the jury remains out on Hull, I thought Potts was unlucky to be left out for the last match.

Next month we have a tour to Pakistan with three test matches and a sensible squad which has become normal in the Stokes era and is noticeable because this wasn’t often the case under Joe Root.  We’ll have the same top six that did so well last time, half a dozen seamers to choose from and three decent spinners but can we win 3-0 again?  Any win away against Pakistan is a seriously good result, as long as England don’t play anywhere near as badly as they did in the last match we have a chance and if the captain is fit we might just pull it off.

Crime and Punishment?

There’s been a lot going on lately, since the last time I tried to transfer thoughts to words at least.  At the end of July, Me and the Princess spent a few days camping out west, totally disconnected from the media.  When we got home we discovered a horrific murder had lead to rioting around the country as the far right goose stepped into action.  FFS can’t the country keep its shit together when my back is turned for four days?

The media loves to play the blame game and the finger was pointed at Nigel “my one job is to split the working class vote” rhymes with garage and the brazen con man Stephen Yaxley-Lennon.  As much as I may dislike these grifters I think for once(?) they are convenient scapegoats.  This right wing nonsense was fuelled by the rantings of the nastier side of the Tory party; Patel, Braverman and De Pfeffel to name just three.  The former government stirred up this shit in an attempt to disguise their own incompetence and there is a relatively small yet surprisingly large percentage of the population who can’t understand that the people telling them to blame immigrants are the very people who are dry fucking them.

In a similar vein the morons who went out smashing things and attacking innocent people are scum and should absolutely be punished. But hang on a minute, it’s all a bit rushed isn’t it? I mean, it seems a bit heavy handed to me, how are they getting this done so quickly?  If justice can be dispensed this easily then why are the courts so backed up?  People are literally waiting months if not years for their day in court.  Are the sentences being handed out consistent with similar offences at other times?  Or to put it another way, are the punishments fitting the crimes?  On the other hand perhaps the incarcerated rioter really do have their country back, at least the one they deserve.  It’s madness to try to make sense of anything in an insane world said somebody somewhere more than once.  Probably.

Don't blink, its Test match time again

Late August, already!  Another Test series starts tomorrow, England versus Sri Lanka, three matches squeezed into a period of twenty days.  This after the West Indies series was all over inside an eighteen day period.  I wish we could return to the days when a test match summer was exactly that and touring teams would get proper practice matches and plenty of them.  Come to think of it the only time I got to see the great West Indian team play in whites was a tour match at Chelmsford…

Sri Lanka should be stronger opposition than West Indies but England should be expected to make this a 6-0 summer but now Stokes is out injured (bastard hundred) this series suddenly seems a lot closer.  Even with Joe Root in the team the captain is our best player and irreplaceable, his loss will be huge.  That said I like that the selectors have moved the middle order up one and picked an extra bowler, it feels like the right thing to do.  Chris Woakes would have played many more test matches in almost any other era and Jamie Smith has been impressive.

If I’m not mistaken Sri Lanka haven’t won a test match against England since 2014 although that win was enough to take the series, a rare home defeat for England.  One day many of these England players will have to cope without Stokes in the team, now is a good chance to get a bit of practice and I still expect a comfortable home win.

Q's

Can anyone explain how it is possible for ‘The Crown’ or anyone else for that matter, to own the seabed?  The fucking sea bed!!  Talking of the ‘Crown Estates’ I read it has made £334000 in housing benefits since Covid.  How is that possible?  Why is it allowed?

Old Joe has toddled off into retirement so at least one of the candidates in the worlds biggest sham election might be close to rational but will the septics vote for her?

Why did Snoop Dogg of all people carry the Olympic torch in Paris?  I like some of his music but what connection does he have to sport or France?  I enjoy watching the Olympics but not necessarily always for the right reasons.

The post Anderson/Broad era is over and it looks like ‘BB’ has become more refined which can only be for the good.  The line up from 1 to 6 is familiar and currently picks itself but 7 to 11 is much changed and looking very good.  But how good?  It’s hard to tell when they’re expected to win this series 3-0 but is it, as I suspect, that this West Indies team is not as bad as England have made them look?

A family member went for an interview at a well known retailer and as the role was explained it transpired he’d be expected to “ …basically manipulate middle aged to elderly people into buying more stuff to hit a sales quota…” he wasn’t impressed - “To be honest I would’ve probably began hating myself for doing it…”  I probably shouldn’t name the retailer but I won’t be buying anything electrical from them.  Now what should I have for dinner?  Something spicy?

Oh Jimmy Jimmy!

Whatever happens on Sunday evening (and I sincerely wish for an England win) this time tomorrow the country will be swamped under a freak tide of football mania so before that a hurried and highly self indulgent appreciation of one of this country’s greatest ever sportsmen.

It had to end sometime and although there is sense to the management’s thinking it’s a shame Jimmy wasn’t able to chose precisely when.  188 test matches over 21 years and I’ve followed every single one of them in some way.  The records and landmarks came and went, the acclaim – “England’s greatest pace bowler” was awarded long before the end.  Add to that, the greatest swing bowler cricket has ever seen, there will be few dissenters.  Apart from following on TMS or TV I have been at the grounds to watch nine of Jimmy’s test matches and was lucky enough to watch Jimmy bowl on eight occasions.  On these occasions I travelled sometimes with friends, sometimes with family and often with both.

Against West Indies at Edgbaston in 2004, England had dominated the game with Hundreds from Trescothick and Flintoff in the first innings and a second ton from Tres in the second.  This West Indies team contained the likes of Lara, Gayle, and Chanderpaul so were no push overs.  Sarwan hit a hundred but still England were miles ahead.  When we arrived for the fourth day England were going for quick runs to set a target, Thorpe scored fifty odd and we saw Jimmy get one of his record number of “not outs”.  England bowled, Hoggard opened things up and Giles went through the middle order.  Gayle made 88 before falling to Giles and a baby faced Jimmy came on to take the last two wickets of Lawson and Collymore, both clean bowled and we celebrated an England win.  This was virtually the same England squad that kept improving and beat Australia a year later in the best series ever seen.

At Trent Bridge in 2007 Anderson was in the period of his career where he hadn’t yet stepped up a gear and made his place in the side secure, (the previous year England had selected Plunkett and Lewis ahead of him).  This match England were bowled out for 198 and a reply of 481 saw India well on top.  On the fourth day we were treated to an England fight back with 126 from Vaughan and fifties for Strauss and Collingwood.  Jimmy made 1, bowled by the great Anil Kumble and he didn’t take a wicket on this occasion.  India went on to win the match by seven wickets and take the series.

At the same ground a year later England thrashed New Zealand. Pietersen scored a ton on the first day to set a score of 364 and when New Zealand went in Jimmy took career best figures of 7-43 to make the Kiwis follow on.  They done a little better on second innings but at times it looked like the game could be all over on day three.  At the beginning of the fourth day New Zealand needed 65 to make England bat again but they didn’t get there, it was all over by lunch.  Ryan Sidebottom ripped through to finish with 6 wickets.  Jimmy took the last wicket to fall having Chris Martin caught at slip by Collingwood and England had won by an innings.

Later in the summer we went to Edgbaston to see England face a much tougher South African team.  England batted first and made a sub-par 231, South Africa replied with 314 so things could have been worse.  In the second innings a brilliant ton from Collingwood had England back in the game with a chance of edging ahead.  On the fourth day Colly was batting with the tail and managed to add another 60 odd to stretch the lead, he was last man out for 135, Jimmy was bowled by Kallis for one.  South Africa needed 280+ to win and for a long time it looked like they’d never get there, Anderson had Ashwell Prince caught at the wicket and the Saffers were 93/4.  De Villiers scored a few as did Boucher but Graham Smith was brilliant, finishing not out on 154 as South Africa won by 5 wickets.  (But there is a caveat, DRS would have revealed Smith was out to Panesar who bowled well).

We returned to Trent Bridge in 2010 to watch an England team that was settled under Strauss’ captaincy and was getting better and better.  Pakistan are always dangerous opponents though, although this team actually went home in disgrace in the end.  England scored 354 with Eoin Morgan of all people scoring 130.  When Pakistan replied they were all out for 182 with Anderson taking 5-54 and was by now recognisable as the bowler we came to admire.  On the fourth day England were extending their lead but became a bit bogged down, Matt Prior got things moving with 102 setting a target of well over 400.  Jimmy scored 2!  Then Pakistan’s second innings, wow!  Broad started things rolling with two quick wickets then Anderson had Imran Farhat caught by Strauss at first slip and the day ended at 15/3.  On the following day the crowd saw a Jimmy Anderson masterclass, he was just unplayable, finishing with figures of 15-8-17-6, all the wickets either LBW or caught in the slips – inswing or outswing, brilliant!  His match figures of 11/71 remain his career best.

In 2011 we saw the third day of England vs India at Trent Bridge. On this occasion we batted all day with 159 from Ian Bell along with half centuries from Pietersen and Morgan saw us over turn a first innings deficit. Jimmy didn’t get on the field that day but took five wickets in a match England ending up winning comfortably.  At the end of this series England were crowned the official number one team in the world.

Trent Bridge again in 2012 for a spring test match against the West indies who batted first and racked up a decent score of 370 with Samuals and Sammy both getting hundreds.  England were officially the best team in the world and responded well with a score of built around 142 from Strass who was still going when the entire Hastings family, three generations, arrived on the third morning.  England had a strong line up in those days and everyone chipped in with a few runs, except Bairstow who was worked over by Kemar Roach and Jimmy who was out for a duck but crucially we had a first innings lead.  When West indies went out again Jimmy opened the bowling and took the first two wickets; Barath LBW and Powell bowled to reduce them to 14/2 from which they never recovered.  When we left at the end of the day West Indies were 61/6 and were eventually all out for 165 with Anderson taking four.  England knocked off the required runs to win by nine wickets.

Later in the year we travelled down to the Oval to see the formidable South Africans again.  England had made 385 and in reply the Saffers were 86/1 at the beginning of the third day, Jimmy had taken the only wicket to fall.  On this occasion we got to watch Anderson bowl all day but it was a painful experience as Smith did us again with 131, then Amla and Kallis both got amongst the runs finishing the day unbeaten and going on to make big hundreds.  When South Africa declared on 637/2 Kallis was 182 not out and Amla had 311.  Suffice to say South Africa won by an innings and by the end of the series had replaced England as world number one. 

We returned to the Oval in 2013 for the ultimate, the first day of an Ashes test match!  This was the final test of a series we were leading 3-0 so there was no tension and we were confident of watching England roll the Aussies one more time.  It didn’t work out like that though as the day finished with Australia 316/4; Shane Watson of all people scored 176 and Steve Smith made 60 odd and completed his maiden test century the following day.  However we did see four wickets and the two from Jimmy couldn’t have been sweeter, David Warner caught at the wicket by Prior for 6 and Michael Clarke bowled through the gate for 7.  The game finished in a high scoring draw, Clarke set a target and England went for it and were on course before running out of time.

There have been hundreds of times when James Anderson had me out of my chair and punching the air but for nine of Jimmy’s 188 test matches I was at the ground and I saw him score 12 of his 1353 runs, take 1 of his 107 catches and 9 of his 704 wickets.  I’ve been lucky enough to see a dozen or more genuinely great English cricketers in the flesh but Jimmy Anderson may be the greatest of all.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

Six weeks now the Tory government will be finished and if the real history is recorded (but is it ever?) then this bunch of bastards will be renowned and remembered for their arrogance, recklessness, ineptitude, corruption, hypocrisy and utter dishonesty.  These people have allowed our rivers to be pumped full of shit and our taxes syphoned into their friends bank accounts.  Now the rats are literally leaving the sinking ship, ‘retiring’ in large numbers and heading back to the shelter of their pimps where they hope to live in luxury even though many of them should be heading for trial and prison.  Gove, Hancock, Dorries stand accused but their are bigger bastards hanging on and if the Tories think little Rishi is the problem then it can only mean they refuse to look in the mirror.

Any joy the Tory demise should bring is dampened by knowing the likely replacement is Keir fucking Starmer who welcomes ex Tory cowards like Poulter and Elphicke but bars true socialists like Corbyn and Abbott.  That’s all you need to know.  Starmer is owned by the Establishment just like the Tory criminals he will replace.  He will do precisely fuck all to improve the lives of ‘The Many’ and will be slaughtered by the media as they pave the way for Tories to slither back in a few years time.  As much as it hurts to say it, in the long run we’d almost be better off if the cunt loses.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  A quote attributed to Albert Einstein although this is disputed.  But whoever made this statement it’s what we all do every few years when Election time comes around again.  We pick the bastards in blue or the wankers in red then squabble amongst ourselves as if we’re backing football teams.  Whoever wins, nothing fucking changes.  And that’s the whole point, divide and conquer, it’s what politics does.  While we all argue amongst ourselves the inbred mutant class remains in control.

So why do we do it?  Because the media basically dismisses the other parties as comedy weirdos implying there are only two sensible choices and the herd blindly goes along with it?  Fuck that!  Vote for the Libs, vote Green, vote SNP, vote for the nutter with a bucket on his head and yes vote for Reform if you have a penchant for the goose step.  Just don’t vote red or blue.

The meaning of "Choice"?

When I was a kid electricity, gas and water aka ‘utilities’, were owned by the state, paid for by ‘rates’ which was tax by another name, either way the people paid.  These rates paid not only for the cost of the utility and its supply but also for the infrastructure that provided it.  Then it was all privatised to give us “choice.”

Now we have a situation where these utilities are run for profit and one of these PLC’s, Thames Water, has reached the situation where their practices are so shoddy they regularly dump sewage into our rivers, this comes after decades of shareholders taking their premium and putting nothing back into the business.  To put this right will need investment which the owners/shareholders refuse to fund unless prices rise by 40%, so Thames Water want the public to pay to clean up their shit while the shareholders maintain their wealth.  I think I need someone to explain this “choice” to me again.

I heard about this today on BBC radio news and found myself deeply uncomfortable because I actually agreed with a Michael Gove soundbite in which he attacked Thames Water.  I expect he’ll have forgotten this opinion once the election is over, whichever way it goes.  And on that subject, either way it’ll just be the same old shit.

Hypocrisy

I have no love for the Windsors but I can’t help feeling sorry for the P.O.W. who was bullied by the media into revealing personal details about herself.  In the aftermath the same media then elevated her to sainthood, a haunting example of history repeating itself.

In London at the weekend thousands of people marched for Palestine though this was barely reported, then the noble US of A didn’t veto the UN calling for ceasefire.  As genocide continues Oceania can’t look away any longer even if “our” sympathies are encouraged to look further north.

Terrorism in Moscow and Putin points the finger at Islamic Fundamentalists while simultaneously pointing another towards Kiev.  We are encouraged to mock and forget that twenty years ago our own governments pointed a second finger towards Baghdad.

But none of this can be very important because a fucking boat crashed…

This is Democracy ?

This week in Russia Putin is standing for re-election as a demonstration of Russian democracy although the BBC was quick to point out all of his major rivals are in prison or dead.  Meanwhile suicidally brave Russian citizens are being arrested for acts of vandalism at polling stations.  None of this should come as much surprise because its what we’ve been told to believe about Russia for most of our lives.

On the other side of the world in the land of the free, their upcoming election will be contested between two men who you’d barely trust to drive down the dual carriageway and it’s becoming harder to ignore the fact that Trump is likely to get the top again.  But what Trump probably wants us to ignore is that he’s currently on trial for, wait for it, “election interference”.

And in our own thriving democracy the Tory party thinks it is okay to accept donations from someone called Frank Hester who in turn thinks it is okay to make foul racist statements about Diane Abbott.  When this subject came up in parliament Abbott herself was not allowed to ask a question despite standing over forty times.

This is democracy?

All over in India

The last test of the series would have been predictable in other recent visits to India, the home team winning by an innings in the end with only Crawley, root and Bashir coming out with much credit.  But before the match started I was hopeful of BB England closing the gap in the series.  Well in the end England did lose the series 4-1 but even this eternal optimist can no longer claim we are the best Test team in the world.  To be fair we didn’t do any worse than any of the other teams that visit India and we probably worried them more than most, to go down by this margin isn’t a disgrace.  But when it counted Stokes’ England were not clinical enough and amongst all the brilliant BB cricket this problem has reared up often over the last twelve months.  When England (or anyone) last won in India our spinners; Swann and Panesar, were better than the home team’s and we had a batting line up full of proven test class players.  This time around our inexperienced spinners done really bloody well but were not as good as Ashwin and Jadeja, not that we could reasonably expect them to be.  Also the Indian batsmen scored seven centuries to England’s three, and for once Stokes had a poor series, enough said.

For the first year of the Stokes/McCullum tenure England consistently fielded the best possible XI but from the start of the 2023 English summer this has not been the case.  We’ve got to wait until July for another England test match by which time we have to expect Harry Brook will be back in contention which means realistically either Foakes or Bairstow will have to make way.  Obviously coming from the Wicky’s union I would pick Foakes every time because he keeps with the effortless excellence we would normally associate with batsmen like Gower or Lara.  Fair play to mad Johnny for reaching 100 caps but compare him to all of the other sixteen Englishmen to have reached this milestone and he isn’t in the same class.  Maybe the selectors will decide to take a punt on a new face entirely which might be the best course of action.

With the retirement of the great Stuart Broad and the great Jimmy Anderson surely winding down, (despite looking fresh in taking his 700^th test wicket this week) there are opportunities in the pace bowling line up.  Chris Woakes will surely be in the mix this summer as will Mark Wood but these two are in their mid thirties so in the final stages of their careers?  For a while Ollie Robinson looked like he was going to be an automatic choice but his fitness appears suspect.  There are a few around the fringes like Potts and Tongue but what would we give to have Jofra Archer fit and in rhythm?  The biggest plus from the Indian tour however is the spin bowling options, all of a sudden we have a handful that can step up in test cricket.

Still on the subject of sport I watched some brilliant rugby this weekend, (obviously Union, not the headbutting competition practiced by convict colonies and northerners) in particular the England-Ireland match which meant the six nations will go down to the final weekend.  But although we call it the six nations I’m not sure this is entirely accurate.  Ireland’s two tries were scored by a New Zealander and in the Italy – Scotland match tries were scored by South Africans and an Australian.  I suppose this trend started in cricket and England have been as guilty as anyone but for some reason I think it devalues international rugby.

Tonight all the worlds’ media obsessed will be tuned into the Oscars beamed around the world from Hollywood.  For anyone who has been in isolation for their whole lives this is an award ceremony for people who are really good at playing ‘pretend’.  To complicate things further these famous pretenders pretend they like each other and everyone pretends the results aren’t fixed.  Or as we say round these parts, it’s a load of old bollocks.

Fourth Test

The fourth test was a belter.  Joe Root went back to playing his normal game and scored a great unbeaten ton, with crucial support from Foakes and Robinson.  Then the young spinners got stuck in and Bashir took his maiden Test five for.  After five sessions England were cruising, at this time I was listening to Talksport which was just rubbish. Whole overs went by while the “commentators” just waffled amongst themselves and failed to inform us what was going on in the middle.  At close of play the team of “experts” had totally written off any chance of an Indian win even though the beginnings of a fight back had already stared.  Day three was all India who not only fought back but found themselves favourites by the end of play.  On the fourth day England scrapped but India hung on to clinch the match and the series.

Another defeat for England but one which didn’t smart as much as the previous one because this was not a poor performance, it was just India were better.  The home team has an inexperienced batting line up but on these pitches they have the edge over England’s inexperienced spinners which is not to say Bashir and Hartley have bowled badly.  Picking these two and Ahmed has been an inspired choice and further endorsement for the Stokes / McCullum method.  England may lose this series 4-1 but we are still the best Test team in the world.

Uproar

The House is in uproar because the Speaker broke protocol over a vote.  Of course, of all things, this vote was about a call for a ceasefire in Palestine.  Now over fifty MPs are calling for the Speaker to resign, which is probably fair enough.  But if all inside the House are held to the same standard, how many Tories would there be left?

Third Test

As soon as I proclaim England as the best Test team in the world they have arguably their worst performance of the Stokes era.  A game that thanks to Ben Duckett was pretty even after two days swung dramatically in India’s favour.  Duckett aside all the outstanding individual performances came from Indian players; Rohit, Jadeja twice and Jaiswal who looks like a future star.  In the second England could take pride in defeat but not so here, this was a piss poor performance.  Going forward it would help if Joe Root would just play his own game, his current batting shows about the same intelligence as his captaincy and hopefully someone in the management will realise Barking mad Bairstow’s golden 2022 was an anomaly.  There I said it.

We’ve been here before, a chastening defeat sees all of us thinking “BB couldn’t really work…” but so far under Stokes England have managed to bounce back. Being 2-1 down away should be a bridge too far anywhere, let alone in the most difficult conditions a visiting cricket team can face.  We’ve seen recent England teams crumble in Australia and here in India many times before.  But if there has ever been an England team that can turn it around then it’s this one.

Concerned

David fucking Cameron was the PM that gave us austerity and promised the Brexit referendum in an attempt to control his own party now he’s Foreign secretary he twiddles his cock while genocide is committed in Gaza.  He is “deeply concerned” apparently…

All square

The second test has been and gone, another really good match but this time India got on top early and didn’t release their grip. In the end the home team won comfortably enough on paper but England fought back hard and the hosts were never comfortable until the last wicket fell. This time the key individual performances all came from Indian players; Jaiswal, Gill and especially Bumrah.  But even in defeat England still look a good, confident team, the brave selection of young unheralded spinners has been a success and Stokes’ team doesn’t seem to feel any pressure.  If England can get ahead of the game at any future stage we know India will definitely feel it.  I still fancy England to win this series but whatever the final result it’ll be fun.

I actually tuned in to Talksport for the final session and it was even more awful than I remember.

Subtle

When the US and UK drop bombs in the middle east, presumably people die and we are told this is done in the name of “Defence”.  When in the same region, US troops are attacked and killed, the media reports this as if it was murder.

Test cricket returns!

Test cricket had been away so long that it has taken a while to re-enter my routine, although Talksport having the radio coverage doesn’t help to be fair.  England away in India, the hardest tour of all because nobody beats India at home, not since 2012 at least and who won then?  One of the last great performances by an England team that had recently been number one in the world.

With two days gone India were well on top after their spinners bamboozled us and their batsmen demonstrated how it should be done taking them to an innings lead of 190.  The rest of the match should follow a predictable course to an inevitable conclusion but one thing we know about Stokes’ team is they are capable of turning things around, we may not expect them to but we know they can.  Even so at this point there was little motivation to tune into the audial faecal treacle that is Talksport’s coverage.

The fight back started on day three, led by a brilliant innings from Ollie Pope, very much a forgotten man.  It was great to see Ben Foakes back in the team too, a typical gritty 30+ in the second innings to help put on 112 with Pope when the match was in the balance. The tail wagged along with Pope too, did England have a defendable target?  Yes! someone called Hartley bowled us to victory on the fourth day!  The Foakes fan club must mention the two stumpings at the end as well.  England had won another brilliant test match, this was almost unbelievable but then again we’re not really surprised anymore. 

Last time England toured here we won the first test then crumbled but I can’t see this happening again and whatever the final outcome I think England will be competitive.  I certainly won’t be surprised if we go on and win this time.  India are a damn good team and incredibly difficult to beat on their own wickets but England are the best Test team in the world at the moment, whatever the rankings say.  It all starts again on Friday…

Elsewhere another pleasing and unexpected result saw West Indies bowl out Australia to win a test match and draw that series.  Only India have left OZ undefeated over the last decade so that is a an excellent result, but WI have a habit of winning games like this then going mising again.

Defending the Realm

Today’s headlines concerned the Big Bully and his annoying little side kick picking on someone far smaller and weaker than themselves.

Or as the news would have it, the US and Britain sent aircraft to bomb targets in Yemen.  In a statement that could have been written by Orwell himself, Little Rishi claimed that dropping bombs on (what we once called) a third world country, thousands of miles away was an act of “self defence”.  The “self” we are apparently defending are merchant ships heading through the Red Sea towards the Suez Canal and Europe.  Old pissy pants Joe Biden was more honest saying “the action will protect the free flow of international commerce…”  What the bullies are actually defending are the interests of the super rich, it is in no way about protecting you and me. 

The people being bombed are the Houthi, a group in the war ravaged country that I know little about, except they are enemies of Saudi Arabia and are attacking ships in solidarity with the Palestinians being slaughtered by the state of Israel.  It’s a confusing world we live in, Saudi Arabia has an appalling human rights record and Israel is currently practicing genocide yet the US and Britain look the other way.  Some boats get attacked and we drop bombs on a desert state.

It’s also ridiculous that we find military action affordable yet we can’t fund our public services, what would do more to protect ordinary people?  Also we don’t have to go back very far into history to see what the result of western military action is, thousands more refugees crossing borders.  While this is going on the arms trade flourishes and a small group of people will be adding a few more billions to their personal wealth.  If you were a cynical person you might conclude that was the real point to it all.

Scandal

The Post office scandal!  We love a good scandal don’t we?  And when it’s ordinary people being shafted by an institution then little Britain is in uproar!  And rightly so.  This went on for twenty years (if you don’t know you need two minutes and Google), innocent people ended up in prison because of defective software and people at all levels of the Post office organisation covered it up.  Politicians dithered, lie piled on top of lie so certain people could continue pursuing a career while the little people were dragged through court.  But through the persistence of some of the victims who fought back eventually the wall of bullshit crumbled and the truth escaped, I had a brief recollection of celebratory scenes outside a court a year or two back.  Then it all went quiet again.  Until the other day when ITV screened a dramatization of the events and it is this is when the country went into meltdown.

This has been the headline story for the last couple of days which has given grateful politicians something to get rhetorical about but thankfully more will be done to help the victims of what is basically fraud, the very thing many of them got done for.  The former CEO of the Post Office may lose her CBE which is a bit much as most* of the people who receive these gongs are in some way fraudulent anyway.  It’s right to call these innocent people ‘victims’ because they were fucked over in clear sight by an organisation that was once owned by the state.  What concerns me is we’ve got to this point not because of the British justice system but because some TV execs saw an opportunity to make a few quid.  But at least we, or should I say ‘they’, got there.

What time is it?

This time last week it was New Years Eve, which is the most over-rated day of the entire year.  In my pub dwelling days Christmas eve was always happy and fun, in those days most of the country still shut down for a week so we were celebrating the beginning of a weeklong liquid drug binge.  New year’s eve signalled the end of fun and back to work once the hangover had cleared, the mood was different and it nearly always turned nasty.

It’s probably thirty years since I last went “out” on New year’s eve, a mellow mood and Jool’s Hootenanny is just the job most years, although this year’s show was savaged by that cunt SIR Rod fucking Stewart.  I’m not a fan.  We used to go outside at midnight to listen to the church bells but nowadays all you can hear is fireworks, to say it sounds like a war zone is probably in poor taste in this current state of mad worldness.

Why do people celebrate the turning of the year or rather what exactly is it we celebrate?  Survival?  Another twelve month period negotiated (or maybe in my case just getting Xmas over and done), if so then surely our birthday is more appropriate.  Come to think of it do we celebrate survival twice?  Side tracked…  We go mad on New Years eve because we are conditioned to do so, most people obey without question because they just do what everyone else does.  In following the herd to the pub we spend a fortune on booze, generate a bit of tax revenue and line the pockets of the brewers and distillers.  I wonder who does own the breweries?

According to Google, it was the early Christians who began measuring the years since the birth of Brian in an attempt to distance themselves from the Roman calendar, which makes sense.  However it seems the earliest recorded mention of an AD date is by a monk called Dionysius Exiguus around 525 and it didn’t become widespread in Britain until the eight and ninth centuries.  Presumably in those days most people got by quite nicely without any concept of time?

But not now!  in order to function in any way in our enlightened world the measurement of time has to take place and our accepted method works.  Some clever bugger sat down and calculated moons and months then broke it all down into hours and minutes.  Chuck in a few leap years here and there, jobs a good un.  We gave them all names for convenience and through the course of what we call a year it all works remarkably well.  But on New Year’s Eve we commemorate a measurement of time that has an arbitrary starting point (the birth of a largely forgotten prophet) just over two thousand years ago.  Or to put it another way, someone plucked a point in passed time and said “that’ll do”.

I kind of get why people would celebrate more natural phenomena like Solstice or Equinox, there is something tangible going on and it’s no coincidence that these events fit almost perfectly within our twelve month calendar.  So why did we change?  Bloody Christians.

Horrible Histories 2023

January is always welcome.  I think most of the reason I hate December, apart from the obvious, is the darkness, every day forward takes us deeper into the gloom, shorter days and more dreary dampness.  By the time January gets here the sheep have finished troughing and the Solstice has passed, now every day forward the days are a tiny bit longer and we’re marching towards warmer days.  Although it’s still several weeks away spring is tangible now, it feels real again.

This place of optimism is the ideal vantage point to look back at the river of shit we’ve just waded through that history will call 2023.  With the new year came old problems. Covid was still a thing but it was no longer allowed to stop the wheels of industry from turning.  The former royal known as the Ginger Prince had a book published and there were rumours he may have written it himself but whatever or whoever the sales graph rose like Covid deaths and the overall goal of keeping the whining prick in the news was achieved.  The other tainted prince AKA Randy Andy spent most of 2023 lurking in the shadows which may be sensible but it’s the last place you want to find someone with his form.

In February almost half a million people went on strike which divided opinion but I never missed an opportunity to toot the car horn, power to the posties.  The Royal Mail, once a proud and efficient public service now just another crap courier company paying shareholders while raping their staff.  Talking of sexual offence, serial nonce and inspiration behind many rhyming gags Gary Glitter was locked up again.  You never hear his songs on the radio these days, unlike Michael Jackson.

In March we were talking about Covid again or more to the point the lockdown files which no one was in a hurry to handover to the inquiry staff and provided journalists with an easy buffet for several weeks.  Also another Gary, Lineker on this occasion, had pissed of the fascist media by daring to have an opinion different to theirs.  The former footballer, spud peddler and all round nice chap then played chicken with the BBC and in one of the great sporting fairy stories, actually won.

Spring came with warmer weather, freshening greenness and Extinction Rebellion reminded us of their presence.  They pissed off a lot of people with their form of action and were widely condemned but like their mad cousins Just Stop Oil, I can’t help sympathising with them.  This adverse publicity didn’t stop the Green Party winning its first ever council here in Mid Suffolk and I hope and pray this is the just the beginning.  You may say I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one.

The big news of the spring after much head scratching and planning, a massive effort and millions of pounds culminated in a bizarre and pompous ceremony, barely changed since the dark ages, the climax was a massive piece of bling being plonked on Charlie Wing nut’s head.  Royalty, FFS just take a minute to yourself, try to comprehend the concept of royalty.  I know!  They’ve been getting away with this shit for centuries!

Now summer was upon us and the Clown DePfeffel was found guilty of being a cunt and received no kind of censure but TV golden boy Phillip Schofield certainly did.  After surviving last years queue jumping scandal the press got their revenge by accusing him of being a sex pest then a few weeks later bagged a brace by pointing their shit stained fingers at Huw Edwards.  There were certainly fires beneath the smoke surrounding these two TV stalwarts but nothing illegal was ever mentioned.

An Ashes summer should mean it dominates the sporting news for as long as the sun shines and we did get a very good drawn series but it was all squeezed into second billing behind cricket’s bastard offspring the Hundred, I mean can anybody remember who won?  Actually it wasn’t a bad year for international sport; The England women’s football team were world cup runners up behind an excellent Spanish team.  Later in the year England flopped at the 50 over world cup which was eventually won by the bloody Aussies and England’s rugby team done better than anyone expected by reaching the semi final.  We were beaten by the saffers who were the eventual winners but honestly, how did New Zealand not win the world cup?  And while I remember it was a good year for boxing, after much frustration in recent times it looks like the big heavyweight fights will finally happen in 2024.  The British heavyweight champion comes from my own home town and our football team finished the year a division higher and ended the year having won more points and scored more goals than any team in England. 

Sensible politicians spend their summers hiding in tax havens but Greenpeace tried to lure little Rishi out of hiding by climbing onto the roof of his country pile where they unfurled a banner.  Little Rishi managed to survive the year with help from governmental colleagues who deflected attention by dramatically revealing their own stupidity.  All little Rishi had to concentrate on was to avoid saying or doing anything too stupid and the fact he managed to mostly achieve this shows he’s an improvement on his predecessor.  Yup that’s all it takes these days.

Early September was unseasonably hot just when I wanted to go fishing but after the sun came the rain, rain in more rain.  In fact in East Anglia it didn’t stop raining for the rest of the year and we’ve been doused by a succession of named storms and surely the wettest period of my life time?  Another celebrity found himself in bother this autumn and it was no great surprise when the sex pest tag was hurled in Russell Brand’s direction.  There has always been something vaguely slimy about this man but it has to be pointed out that he’s been a vocal critic of the British Establishment and he has about as much chance of a fair trial as Julian Assange.

In the autumn the latest in a long line of “look at me, I’m a cunt” style Tories began her campaign to become the next party leader, taking for granted that little Rishi is a dead duck.  After a succession of foul pronouncements, the pantomime fascist Suella de Vile talked herself out of a job which is exactly what she’d been trying to do.  Little Britain has a new figurehead.

Having grown bored of Ukraine, arms manufacturers needed another shop window and obligingly the whole Israel/Palestine shit storm kicked off again.  It looks like a Hamas suicide mission turned into an Israeli genocide excuse and all manner of horror has befallen since.  In the UK and around the world there have been millions of Pro Palestine supporters marching on the streets.  A new generation has been forced to immerse itself in the troubled history of the region but still many people think saying “FFS the Israeli’s have gone way too far man!” is rampant anti-Semitism, it isn’t.   

As the year drew to a close we lost two great poets in Shane MacGowen and Benjamin Zephaniah and our latest literary sensation, the Ginger Prince was locked in a court room battle against factions of the fleet street scumbags.  I tried to tune out but I think he finished the year how he started it, name making headlines with a few more quid in the bank.  The Ginger Prince vs Fleet Street, unfortunately they can’t both lose.  The Covid inquiry was still ticking on and all the major players were hauled in for an uncomfortable grilling which made it obvious that the British government in 2020/21 were frighteningly inept and obviously corrupt.  It’s a shame nobody pointed that out at the time.  But will they actually get punished?

So, 2024.  What do we have to look forward to? An election in which the Establishment friendly version of the Labour party should win in order to maintain the illusion of democracy.  If Labour wins it won’t be because they’re any fucking use but because the Tory corruption is so transparent even their own supporters are embarrassed.  This should be the end of the Etonians for a while but it’s worth remembering that their grandfathers genuinely believed they were genetically superior to the rest of us, we can’t take our eyes off them.  But wouldn’t it be good if people actually realised this two party face off is nothing more than theatre designed to distract and make us fight each other.  I like to think the generation coming through are smarter than we are and have sussed out that nothing will change if we keep voting for the same old shit.

But apart from that and aside from the wars, famine and poverty that are ever presents of the twenty first century there is still loads of good stuff to do.  Most of this good stuff is seldom mentioned in the news, outside of a two minute slot before the weather at least.  Test cricket starts again in a few weeks, five tests in India and by the time that’s done it will be March and we’ll be able to smell spring. Later on in the year we have home test series against Pakistan and Sri Lanka as well as the arbitrary pyjama cricket.  With longer warmer days the colour will return to the countryside again, time and space to keep doing the things that we love, the things that really bring meaning and happiness to our lives.