January
The good news was short, the world finally said goodbye to
Trump whose insane presidency came to an end but not before he incited his cult
who, led by a man wearing a buffalo head, stormed the US capitol building in a
probably accidental attempt to overthrow what they call democracy. When the melee had ended five people were
dead. Over the following months many
people were imprisoned for their actions and for his call to arms, Trump was
punished with a lifetime ban from social media... The US media went mental claiming the
storming was “terrorism”; it wasn’t, it was a riot. It was also described as an “attack on
democracy” which it possibly could have been if the US was as democratic as it
pretends, which it isn’t, obviously.
Meanwhile back in Airstrip One Covid was still rife, the
prime minister AKA Cat Funt assured us everything was fine and kids could
return to school. Within hours he’d
performed another expert U turn (well he does practice a lot) and put us back
into another strict lockdown. By the end
of the first week of 2021 it had become obvious that the government’s recent
policies had allowed millions to become infected and thousands more would die.
In other news there was a short lived scandal over how much profit capitalist bastards could make out of a school meal that was allegedly worth £30. Mail readers went into hysteria on discovery that young people, starved for months of casual sex were gathering together to party. But things did start to look up, in the US Trump was finally led away and was replaced by Old Joe who looked barely alive, also Covid vaccines began to be delivered (i.e. injected into people’s arms), at last there was hope that Covid could be consigned to history.
February
At the beginning of the month the country got together to
mourn the passing of the anti Covid poster boy, poor old Captain Tom who sadly
and ironically succumbed to the virus.
His passing was a genuinely sad event but the fact this was an
unquestionable public example of government mishandling was ignored, as were
the 110 000 other Covid deaths.
In early February the country was bombarded by a foot of
snow which is kind of normal for the far north where in a scene reminiscent of
1970’s Moscow people formed long shivering queues for the foodbank but
obviously a crippling disaster for the south where the herd rejoiced and
gathered together to pelt each other with frozen projectiles and give the virus
spread a much needed boost.
A Tory MP called Sir Charles Walker gave an extraordinary
interview in which he basically said we should stop lockdowns and let people
die of Covid. This shouldn’t be too much
of a surprise as he is a Tory and it was Cat Funt’s preferred strategy all
along. Walker’s hideous outburst was
prompted by debate about travel and the herd’s right to have a holiday. If your two weeks burning under a hot sun
really is the highlight of your year then you really should question your
values and priorities in life. A day or
two later it a group of 63 Tory back benchers (dictionary definition – complete
cunts) started to campaign loudly for an immediate end to anything that might
keep people safe.
It was alleged that Health secretary Halfcock had broken the
law when giving billions of pounds worth of contracts to his mates, meanwhile
the Dark/Silent Knight, (apparently the leader of the opposition) looked the
other way as did the country’s media.
All pretence of democracy was shattered but the herd didn’t care as they
waited with bated and fetid breath to learn when they could go back to the pub.
After weeks of promising a roadmap Cat Funt waddled up to
the podium and unfurled a large sheet of paper he’d picked up free from a
Little Chef in 1989. After consulting
with an embarrassed looking aide he then stuffed it back into a pocket, stared
cross-eyed into an autocue and started revealing someone else’s grand plan for
leading the country out of lockdown.
This all made perfect sense, especially when Funt reiterated that it
wasn’t safe for people to be meeting in groups until the end of March but
children would be able to return to schools in a fortnight.
March
At some point early last year the ginger Prince and his ride
announced royal life wasn’t for them and disappeared to California, then Covid
was born and the world went mad. By March’21
there was finally room in the media for royalty so Ginge and ride went on US TV
and had a whinge about their life of wealth, privilege and luxury. In response Piers Morgan quit as leader of the
opposition and decided to freelance as a gobshite cunt for hire.
A young woman went missing in London. When her body was discovered it transpired
that she’d been murdered by a serving policeman. Protests held in response saw women handled (literally)
with blunt force by metropolitan police.
This was enough news to enable Cat Funt to escape any
undue(?) attention from the media. The
Covid death toll passed 150k* in the UK but vaccinations were being given at a
rate well over half a million per day. (* This figure was constantly
manipulated, usually downwards, throughout the year).
April
After being secretly ill for some time Prince Phillip died
and was mourned by many, notably Mail readers and TV comedians who would have
to work harder for a cheap gag in future.
Despite being a passive republican I can’t help having a bit of
admiration for the old goat and it must have been hard for Queenie burying him
amidst all the Covid restrictions.
Football, the national religion threatened civil war as the
top clubs were being lured into a league with those bastards in Europe. Widespread hysteria and public outcry
postponed the move for another year at least but get used to the idea footy
fans it’ll happen one of these days.
One of the Prime Minister’s very many dodgy deals had become
a little too obvious so the electoral commission began investigating Cat Funt’s
wallpaper. One question was ‘Who
actually paid for it?’ another is who the fuck needs paper that costs £840 a
roll?
In the US it was comparatively quiet compared to the laugh a
minute ride of the Trump era (Just lots of deaths by car crash, winter storms,
Covid and gun rampage) but in April the cop who murdered George Floyd was found
guilty and locked up.
Lockdown eased a little or more importantly for a few, the
money started to come in a little faster again.
May
The Navy was called in to referee a skirmish between French
and British fisherman who were arguing over scallops or something.
The so called Labour party done abysmally in local elections,
they even managed to lose the Hartlepool by election so Sir Prick Starmer
blamed everyone else and cried. There
was a brief skirmish with the fire head but the two were separated before she
could rip his balls off. (NB assuming a-
he has any and b- she could find them.) However
Labour candidate Sadiq Khan was re-elected as London Mayor. Khan is a divisive figure due mostly to the
colour of his skin. What a sad, corrupt
shower of shit the Labour party has become again, bastards in sheep’s clothing.
The BBC was investigating an interview that took place a quarter
of a century ago but is still relevant because it involved a royal who everyone
loved, then despised then loved again after she was killed. A conclusion was reached but it was all an
irrelevant use of licence money.
In a sign of the high street dying in this Covid blighted
world Debenhams closed its doors for the last time. Although obviously a sad event it was
celebrated in private by hen pecked husbands all over the country.
The odious Dominic Cummings began his revenge by acting out
of character and making statements that might somehow resemble the truth about
what really happened behind the closed doors of Cat Funt’s government. In truth he said nothing that wasn’t already
obvious to anyone with half a brain.
People who defended him a year ago attacked with vigour and vice versa. Cummings drip fed his revelations throughout
the year, he told us nothing we didn’t already know but was a prick in Cat
Funt’s arse and made the PM look a little more unkempt and uncomfortable. Cummings had no real effect because everyone
despises him and the government were able to talk it away with “waffle, waffle
sour grapes waffle…”
Lockdown eased a little more.
June
On the first of the month nobody was reported as having died
from Covid, the first time this had happened since March 2020. By now just about everyone who wanted a jab
had received at least one.
A convicted child killer was released from prison after 33
years (but he was locked up again by the end of the year) which partially hid
the news that the high court had declared the government had broken the law by
handing half a million pound contracts to friends of Cummings. Tip of the fucking iceberg.
Cat Funt met an American pensioner in Cornwall. Apparently these are the leaders of the free
world which if actually correct would have been truly frightening.
Having comfortably beaten England over two matches, New
Zealand then defeated India to deservedly win the inaugural World Test
championship. In doing so they
demonstrated skill and sportsmanship that would not be rivalled during the
English sporting summer.
Halfcock uttered some routine shit but by the end of the
month was all over the news due to his resignation. This long overdue departure was not down to
incompetence, corruption or 150k people dead but was in fact caused by him
being caught fucking a servant. Halfcock
then declared he was actually in love with the soon to be forgotten servant so
after deserting his family the two of them skipped off into a meadow of wild
flowers whilst holding hands. They were
both the tragically killed when a farmer drenched them in ‘Round up’. *The last sentence may well be wishful
thinking.
By the end of the month the people of England were
disregarding their ambivalence and grabbing seats on the bandwagon as the
national football team progressed onwards with increasing momentum through the
Euro tournament. In Scotland the
population queued to get into fallout shelters.
In the US Bill Cosby’s conviction for fucking the wrong
person(s)was over turned begging the questions; Is he innocent or did he get
away with it?
In Suffolk a family went into mourning when the matriarch
passed away.
July
Football mania continued to grip the country and groups of
intoxicated people roamed the streets issuing loud grunts in a form of
chant. Roughly translated it sounded
like “is caarmin ome” and was
repeated until the grunter was overcome by delirium. Ultimately England done well to reach the
final against Italy where they were beaten by a better team, in truth had we
won on penalties it would have been a travesty.
In the aftermath the English football fans displayed great restraint and
intelligence when they attacked Italians and abused the non white members of
their own team.
Football hysteria almost hid the news that Southern Water
were fined £90 million for illegally dumping 21 billion tonnes of raw sewage
over a five year period. By the end of
the year Cat Funt had eased the laws to make dumping shit in our rivers if not
legal then certainly more difficult to punish. Funt couldn’t tell what the fuss was all
about, everyone knows water comes in a bottle with some French writing on it.
In mid-July Cat Funt ended all Covid restrictions, basically
saying the virus isn’t going away and you plebs must learn to live with it so
best of British luck to you. Morons
celebrated what they (and only they) called ‘Freedom day’, oblivious to any
irony or offence taken by people who never took freedom for granted anyway.
Live music returned to festival stages which meant thousands of people could build squalid shanty towns, get wasted and huddle together in fields or sweaty airless tents. It seemed neither real nor sensible and we really were dancing in the dark but by God I needed that.
But there was some funny stuff going on as well! UNESCO realised that Liverpool really is a
shithole after all and withdrew some meaningless accolade or other. Labour MP Dawn Butler was ejected from
parliament for repeatedly telling the truth, in this case she was calling Cat
Funt a liar and the celebrity racist currently calling himself Tommy Robinson
was ordered to pay a Syrian schoolboy £100k in damages after losing a libel
case.
The Olympics took place in Tokyo despite being a bit late it
all went rather well.
August
Britain’s were able to go on holiday so did so and nothing
much happened. Had there been any news
then the royal previously known as ‘Randy Andy’ might have got away with being
indicted in a sexual abuse case.
Someone went metal with a gun in Plymouth which made most of
us even more relieved that we don’t have similar gun laws to those idiots on
the other side of the Atlantic.
But in Afghanistan the shit was really hitting the chinook’s
blades. The dreaded Taliban, bearded
bogeymen with evil intent were rapidly recapturing territory previously held by
the US/ Afghan puppet government. Old
Joe had pulled the troops out and the Stan was going back to the way it was
before it had become a scapegoat for terrorism.
But tragically it means that hundreds of British soldiers died for
nothing other than political whim.
Thousands of refugees then tried to scramble out of the country, looking
for freedom in the countries that ‘helped’ them and where they will not find a
friendly welcome.
September
Mail readers found themselves in a state of anxious
confusion due to the success of a British woman in the US open Tennis. (NB Tennis is a type of sport played by the upper
middle class (i.e. can’t afford a polo pony) and those afraid of a cricket ball). Celebrations of success were muted somewhat
by discovering the winner was an immigrant with dark skinned parents.
Also in the US, former ‘singer’ R Kelly was found guilty of
sticking his cock into people and places he shouldn’t and was presumably sent
to prison.
The only other story in this month concerned petrol. A media report led to panic buying, this in
turn led to more media coverage and more panic buying, by the end of the month supplies
were running out and we were wondering if we’d be able to take our cars out at
all. Once again the great British public
demonstrated brainless sheep like behaviour and some scenes posted to social
media would have been funny in other circumstances. No one is quite sure what caused the shortage
but it was absolutely nothing to do with Brexit, honestly! According to those hard of thinking at least. What is for certain is prices rose rapidly thereafter
and haven’t returned to ‘normal’ so once more we’d been kicked in the wallet.
Also one of Randy Andy’s legitimate kids spawned another
privileged brat and Katie Price was hospitalised in a car crash despite the
ample air bags.
October
The beginning of the month heavy rain in London which
brought flooding to Kensington and Knightsbridge but unfortunately this did
minimal damage and they all drive 4WD round there anyway.
Attempts to restart the various careers of renowned village
idiot and disgraced Tory Matt Halfcock stalled before they got off the ground
which was probably for the best but means we don’t get to see the fuckwitt
crash and burn once more.
David Ames, a relatively benign and popular Tory PM was stabbed
to death by a nutter. The media
immediately seized upon the ethnicity of the murderer. Cat Funt paid tribute after someone reminded
him who Ames was.
In the US Brittney Spears was making headlines as it appears
she isn’t batshit after all. I wish her
all the very best as long as she doesn’t start singing again. Also Facebook announced it was changing its
name to Meta, probably to help us forget all the bad publicity of recent times.
Climate activists began gluing themselves to roads in a
misguided attempt to highlight what we used to call Global warming. Sadly their actions, though newsworthy,
probably done their cause more harm than good.
Meanwhile Covid (like the Taliban) was still lurking in the
shadows waiting for people to drop their guard.
November
Throughout the first part of the month scientists, aliens
and “world leaders” were gathered together in Glasgow to take part in a
publicity stunt designed to assure people that they were interested in healing
the planet. Actually the largest group
of people at this event were lobbyists for the fossil fuel industry and this
fact alone tells us how effective COP26 actually was. It was a cynical PR stunt and was rightly
called out as such by Saint Greta amongst others.
Also crooked MP Owen Patterson resigned after he narrowly
failed to get away with being a corrupt, self-preserving, greedy Tory
bastard. This led to bastard politicians
coming under much more intense public scrutiny about their routinely corrupt
undertakings and Cat Funt himself felt plenty of heat although not enough to
finally roast the bastard. MP’s took up
a fully defensive position and hoped they could keep their heads down until
Xmas when everyone would get pissed and forget.
In Liverpool a potential suicide bomber tried to disrupt
Remembrance Sunday, he succeeded in killing himself but thankfully other people
received only minor injuries.
The great sport of Cricket beat itself up with allegations
of racism, at first these were brushed under the carpet then came bursting back
with the promise of better processes in the future. But with anything the media sinks its teeth
into we next witnessed a witch hunt that may do more harm than good. The guilty will be punished but how can
anyone be judged when our own PM has a published racist past?
In a similar vein over in the U S of Mad a white teenager
was acquitted of murdering two unarmed black lives protestors despite being
filmed doing so. Throughout the year
there have been countless incidents of people of colour being shot by police.
A snow storm with high winds hit the north of England
causing two deaths and a shit load of problems.
People in the south only became aware of this when “I’m a celebrity…”
was postponed.
A boatload of refugees/asylum seekers capsized in the
channel leading to thirty deaths and widespread celebration amongst Mail
readers. How dare these people attempt
to illegally enter the country which helped to bomb them out of their own
homes?!
Covid started to flex its muscles again with the
introduction of a new variant from Africa (where else?) Cat Funt responded by belatedly restricting
flights and making masks in shops and buses mandatory again. Thankfully
December
Just when you thought things possibly couldn’t get any worse
‘Omicron’ arrived. It sounded like a
villain in a crap sci-fi film but was actually Covid’s revenge. As December helplessly ground on, infection
figures soared, sporting and music events were cancelled and the hospitals got
very busy.
Cat Funt took to the airwaves, would he do the right thing
and lockdown again? Of course not, he
hasn’t got the bottle, instead he rattled on about booster jabs and looked like
he was thoroughly enjoying himself.
Perhaps he was savouring time away from infant crying and shitty nappies
as his whore had just shat out another child of privilege although you couldn’t
technically call this one a bastard.
As the second anniversary of Cat Funt’s election passed many
people suddenly woke up to what was obvious all along; the man is totally unfit
to lead anything more complicated than a conga line. He is blatantly lazy and arrogant, he is
obviously untrustworthy and misogynistic, he is a published racist and
homophobe. In a by election the Tory
bastards lost a Shropshire seat they’d held for 200 years, even his own party
started to turn against him.
(Around this time an idiot on social media, who could not
admit he could be wrong and may have misjudged Cat Funt, blamed the whore
claiming the PM had changed since he got married. He’s been the same for over twenty years you
stupid fucking wanker. Glad I got that
off me chest.)
Also in December cricket fans were uncomfortably compared to
Tory voters in showing blind faith in their idols despite all of the contrary
evidence. Realisation dawned; this is
the worst England team (or at least batting line up) in living memory.
The story about Downing street Xmas parties wouldn’t go away
either, when it was revealed the man charged with investigating actually
attended one. The spawn of Robert
Maxwell was convicted of sex crimes which could in turn lead to Randy Windsor’s
head being placed on the block. At this
point you start to wonder if we’re living in an elaborate reality show written
by Mel Brooks.
In 2021 the English celebrated a normal Christmas and new
year (Wales and Scotland were criticised for being sensible); mingling with
family, loved ones and people they can barely tolerate for one day a year. The result of this was another massive rise
in Covid cases which had reached 190k per day by the end of the year and we now
await the inevitable death toll carnage sure to descend in New Year.
At the end of the year in which Afghanistan was abandoned,
Britain felt the need to demonstrate just how far human kind has regressed and
how far it’s possible to stretch irony by awarding a knighthood to the renowned
liar and war criminal Tony Blair. This
honour has previously been bestowed on the likes of Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris,
Philip Green and that cunt Rod Stewart.
So here we are, 2022, Jesus fucking Christ, despite being
vaccinated with hope we are in an even worse position than we were twelve
months ago. This year the government
isn’t even pretending to try and protect the citizens. Also I wonder if being jabbed three times
isn’t enough to prevent infection then what was the point? Was it all just a publicity stunt? Assuming we’re not crippled by the latest
wave of Covid we’ve then got to deal with living in an openly corrupt society, surrounded
by the living brain dead and governed by crooked cunts.
But what can we do?
We can’t be unaware of what’s going on but we can notice the humour in
it all and try to block out the bollocks. We can try to ignore the bullshit, it works
for me, most of the time. Remember the
acquisition of possessions in pursuit of status will not make you happy, ignore
that shit. If you pay tax don’t condone
Amazon, boycott it. Just concentrate on
the people you love and spend time doing the things you enjoy most. Come together. When the time comes vote for change. Happy new year.
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