Some gigs

We saw the Wailers again at the UEA, sometime in March, between the ice ages.  Mr & Mrs Green were seeing them for the first time whilst my closer family had seen them before a year ago.  In short it was a very good show but when you see a band twice in a year it'll never be as good the second time.  Plus Family man wasn't playing...  Never mind, we all enjoyed ourselves as they rolled out the classics and our legs ached at the end.


Mid June the Princess and I joined Mr Green and Mr Red in a car to Norwich to see another iconic artist, Public Image Limited fronted by the one and only John Lydon.  It was hard to believe that none of us had ever seen Mr Rotten play before, in any of his incarnations, it barely seemed possible.  I have the Pistols in my collection but nothing by PiL so only really knew a handful of songs but this didn't matter at all, I loved it!  The band is tight and the guitarist "Lou" is fucking ace, then there's John who has a presence and draws the eye.  Seeing him live you appreciate what a fucking good voice he has too.  Highlights are the inevitable ones; "Love Song", "Public Image", "Rise" and the final tune, his personal and relevant reworking of the Leftfield collaboration "Open up".  Class!

Then last week Mr Green kindly took the wheel again and drove the princess, my daughter and myself down to London to see my/our? favourite band in the world.  The middle of a heatwave, England are still in the World cup and the roads seemed quiet...  Until we hit the concrete and everything snarled up.  London, how the fuck do people live here?  Why do so many people drive Range Rovers?  Why does anyone need a 6.3 litre car?  Why does everyone jump the lights, we catch them up at the next set anyway?  You meet beggars at the lights too and see piles of homelessness along the paths, then blink and the surrounds are opulent.  Don't get me started...  The traffic is bad, the sat nav literally leads us into a dead end, I'm starting to get nervous because I don't want to miss a single second of this one

Our destination was the Brixton academy and Mr Green had us positioned fairly close and dead centre with ten minutes to spare.  Just enough time to take in what a great venue the academy is, it's been a few years since I've been here.  These minutes drag, I keep checking my watch...  Lights dim, the Rocky theme starts up...  Then Eels casually stroll onto the stage and I'm all fan, I love this band and I don't care who knows it!

This is the fifth time I've seen the Eels and every single time they have been absolutely first class.  They couldn't possibly hits those heights again could they?  The answer is an emphatic FUCK YES!!!  The gig started slowly with a song I actually didn't recognise, picked up with a cover of "Raspberry Beret" then just got better and better and better and...  We literally danced all night.  There were only a handful of new songs sprinkled into a set that kept hitting us with classic after classic including at least half a dozen favourites that I'd never seen Eels play live before.  It was a fantastic set for a long time fan and equally good for my daughter seeing them play for the first time.

How do they do it?  How are they so consistently good at what they do?  Well tour is completely different to the last one, they must look at the previous set list then rip it up and pick a new one fresh.  With the exception of one song; "My Beloved Monster" is played every time but is completely reinvented.  It's not just the set list, the whole vibe shifts too.  I've seen them play R&B style with a horn section, a five piece rock band (twice) dressed in track suits followed on the next tour by them all suited and booted playing what can only be described as a soft rock orchestra (which is my banner picture at the top of the page).  This time they were four piece, casually dressed in jeans and jackets and played a bit of everything.  This band, these musicians are masters, they can do anything and between the songs the chat is damn funny too.

Sometimes you listen to a musician and it seems the songs have been written for you, this is obviously the case with Eels and me.  I get emotional about this band because they are so good, they should be better known but then again I'd rather see them in Brixton or the RAH than in some soulless arena.

Anyway the gig...  Highlights for me were the tunes I'd never heard live before;  "Daisies of the Galaxy", "Magic world", "Climbing up to the moon" and especially "PS You rock my world" - 'a careful man tries to dodge the bullets while a happy man takes a walk...'  Classics included a demonic "Flyswatter", a haunting "Novocaine for the soul"and a thrashed "I Like Birds".  They played for nearly two hours and I could have happily danced along for two more.  Four years slipped by between Eels tours, I hope they don't make me wait four more for the next.

More Radio Gaga

It’s been winding me up again, the repetition of shit songs on a daily basis.  I am compelled to compile a list (always a sign of utter lunacy) of the worst of the BlandFM playlist. This is the kind of thing that HeartFM plays over and over again.  I don’t mean current chart songs or even recent music, say up to a year old, that’s what ‘pop radio’ should be playing.  Hearing Pink, Ed Sheeran, Rhianna or Beyonce half a dozen times a day is a bit tedious but not nauseating.  The trouble with BlandFM really is with the ‘oldies’ they choose to play, mostly catchy shite they may have been fun once, (in a pissed in a night club and thinking you might still have a chance of copping off with someone by breaking out some fucked up dance moves) but has totally and completely failed the test of time.  This might be a polite way of saying they play a load of old shit. 

The only thing harder than getting on HeartFM’s play list is getting removed from it and I get my ears assaulted by this selection of bilge on a daily basis.  Yes, every single fucking day.

Rap is a bit risqué for Bland FM but two songs have slipped onto the playlist, “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio (1995) and “Yo Diggity” by Blackstreet (1996).  At least the latter has the benefit of Dr Dre on production but the former is a horrible rip off of Stevie Wonders beautiful “Passtime Paradise” from the classic ‘Songs in the key of life’ album.  One or the other of these tunes will be played every single day, that’s the Rap quota taken care of; there is no need to even think of any others.  These are two average tunes but they are safe enough for the easily offended.

It’s the same with Reggae; the Rasta and dope smoking thing is a bit scary for the brain dead listeners but a couple of tunes have made it on air. “Make you sweat” by Inner Circle (1992) is a truly dreadful piece of music and the passage of time has only made it seem worse.  To the uninitiated the song is exactly as bad as it sounds. The other supposed reggae selection is the abysmal “It wasn’t me” by Shaggy, which must be a reggae song because he has a Jamaican accent right?  Wrong.  The only meaningful classification of this song is; utter, utter shit.  It is nothing more than a novelty song about a bloke getting caught cheating on his other and coming up with an excuse/alibi that only a total fuckwitt would try to get away with.  However this one is only eighteen years old.  It must be a struggle for the HeartFM producers to find some nice reggae music, I mean there’s no one to choose from is there?  Apart from The Maytals, Lee Perry, The Wailers, Jacob Miller, Burning Spear, John Holt, U Roy, Jimmy Cliff, Bunny Wailer, Peter Tosh, Bob Marley for fuck sake and yes even UB40!!!!

As mentioned before there’s two tunes from Kings of Leon on the list both from the 2008 ‘Only the night album’.  One or the other will be played every single day.  I like this album but I no longer feel like playing it.  HeartFM is starting to affect the way I listen to things I like.  This is bad.

George Michael has a dodgy reputation with his dope smoking and penchant for sex in toilets with strangers but combine him with someone else and it will reduce the shock factor and he’s let on the list.  So we get either “Somebody to love” with Queen from way back in 1992 or “As” with Mary J. Blige (1998) and nothing else.  There is so much wrong with these selections; George Michael was a seriously good songwriter, both tunes are second class covers, nothing from the brilliant ‘Listen without Prejudice’ album.  If you’re going to play Queen then play Freddie FFS, to do otherwise is just cuntish.  If you’re going to play “As” then look no further than Stevie Wonder’s original on the brilliant ‘Songs in… ‘

Then there is a selection of so called “R&B”.  (Before I go on I don’t think any of the shit to follow is actual R&B, its cheesy pop/soul.  Otis Redding is R&B, Sam and Dave is R&B, Marvin Gaye…  I could go on but…) The ‘modern’ definition of R&B seems to mean safe poppy stuff, usually but not exclusively, sung by a black artist.

“Unbreak my heart” by Toni Braxton from 1996, not the beautiful, soulful ballad that the public actually bought but a hideous, clubbed up, soul-less remix that  really makes shit out of sugar.  This may not be on everyday but I have to endure it at least three times a week.

“Return of the Mack” by a bell end called Mark Morrison.  I can’t remember too much about him other than he was a quite odious object, was basically a one hit wonder (1996) and this annoyingly catchy waste of vinyl was it.

“Miami” by Will Smith from his 1997 album ‘Big Willie style’.  For Fuck Sake.  This is not singing, this is not rapping, this is talking.  Not just any talking but talking shit with a capital SHIT.  Then when you think it can’t get in worse they play Willie’s magnum opus in terms of crap piles, “Getting’ Jiggy with it”.  Another song that is as bad as the title makes it sound.

R. Kelly is on the list which is amazing because I’m sure he was involved in some kind of sex scandal at some point?  To be fair this bloke has made one good tune but obviously it’s never going to be the one BlandFM chooses to play, which is almost always “You got that vibe”.  What vibe?  A crap one.

Controversy.  No not the Prince tune, read on...  Consider HeartFM’s obvious terror of causing offence and also consider the fact you don’t hear paedo Gary Glitter’s music played anywhere, ever.  Music by suspected nonce Michael Jackson is still seen and heard everywhere, including HeartFM.  Come to think of it Jacko’s estate is probably still making a few people a pile of cash so probably not so surprising….  Nonetheless it is undeniable that the paling weirdo did find himself in unfortunate situations with children and animals.  Then again some of the music is brilliant but HeartFM tends to ignore this in favour of his white skinned era.  They do play ‘Black & White’ several times a week and it’s an OK tune.  The irony goes on forever…

Whilst on the theme of pop stars with allegedly dubious sexual tastes I’m delighted to be able to say Heart FM do NOT play anything by that cunt Cliff Richard.

Next there’s Bobby Brown who is mostly famous for (allegedly) abusing his wife, the former gospel/soul superstar girl next door turned crack whore Whitney Houston.  Bobby had a dodgy reputation before he met the lovely Whitney, you wonder what he means when he sings “Two can play that game”.  The song was crap in 1992, its dry white dog shit now.

The list of shame doesn’t end here, to attempt to catalogue everything would be pure masochism and I’m feeling slight nausea already.  There is more smeared dog shit by smug fuckers like Take That and Craig David.  Abysmal euro pop from twats like Ace of Bass (FFS), Roxette and Snap.  All bollocks, all torturous by repetition, every fucking day! Why?  It must be something to do with royalties, some kind of money saving scheme.  Whatever, its shit.

And another thing… Talking of radio.  One of England’s winter cricket tours, Sri Lanka I think, will not be covered by the institution that is TMS.  TalkSport apparently outbid the BBC and will be broadcasting with their team of… er… who exactly?

TMS with Agnew, Boycott, Mann, Tufnell etc. are brilliant, the show is perfect and the best sporting thing broadcast on any radio, anywhere in the galaxy, ever.  Talksport used to have Jack Bannister but he’s RIP so we’ll probably end up with Mark Nicholas (very good writer, slimy as fuck on air), Darren bloody Gough (former talented and lovable cricketer turned professional gobshite) and some random Cowdreys. No matter who they put out, no matter what they do, it cannot possibly be as good as TMS.  And it has adverts.  Fucking adverts!

It’s all very well the ECB getting money from broadcaster but all that cash will be no good if the public loses touch with the game.  Sky do a fantastic job of covering cricket but international games should be on free to air TV too.  With radio TMS is peerless, just don’t fucking mess with it.

England's No.1 rated ODI team played Scotland the other day and lost.  It was a good game if frustrating to watch.  England were awful with the ball and in the field then bottled it with the bat.  Fair do's, well played Scotland.

Another week, another test match

Another week, another test match, another one sided thrashing but this time it was England in the ascendancy.  How could we be so bad last week and so good this?  What was different?  We bowled fuller and held our catches, the commentators all agreed England looked "up for it" this week.  So why not last week?

What else was new?   Keaton Jennings only scored 29 runs but actually looked good in doing so.  He scored freely to begin which allowed Cook to just play his game without scoreboard pressure. Together they put on a fifty opening stand, England's first since Adelaide.  Put in context with what has gone on in the recent past, Jennings done very well.  None of England's batsmen gave their wicket away cheaply this time.

I think Mark Wood should feel deservedly gutted to miss out in this match after doing as well as anyone at Lords.  Chris Woakes took advantage of his luck with three wickets in the first innings.  Maybe a better 'horses for courses' bowler for Headingly.

Stokes was injured so little 19 year old Sam Curran got a game.  A future 'batsman who can bowl a bit' apparently.  He did OK, probably a bit better than big brother Tom a few months back.  It could be some while before either gets another game for England but at least now they're capped they won't be tempted to play for their father's native Zimbabwe.

England's two big stars of this little series both grew up playing cricket at Taunton.  Dom Bess could hardly have done better with his opportunity.  A maiden half century in the first test, followed by 49 as night watchman in the second.  He didn't look like a tailender, he looked like a test batsman.  He's been sharp in the field at all times and took a brilliant catch in the second innings at Leeds.  Then he bowled eleven tidy overs and finished with 3-33.  Joss Buttler done exactly what he was brought into the team to do, he scored runs with the tail.  His batting on Sunday morning was the most fun this England fan has had since last summer.

Pakistan done better than anyone expected in this series and it's a shame there isn't a third match to settle things.  I think it highly likely England would have taken the series had there been another match, like we did last year when West Indies won a test against all odds.  Pakistan fans would disagree, fair enough.  No doubt this latest Pakistan side is full of talent and the next time the two teams meet will be interesting.

Worst home test performance since '99

The first test has come and gone in the blink of an eye.  May in England, result is a nine wicket win inside ten sessions, sounds familiar?  Only it was England on the receiving end of the thrashing.  Normally a test match dominates my mind and routine for a few days.  My body and mental state ebbs and flows with the match.  In short I get emotional about England playing a test match.  Not throughout this match, from the first home wicket (if not the first ball) I have just felt numb, the course of the match has not even moved me to swear when another lame wicket fell.  I do hope this isn't permanent, I suspect it's just because another England defeat, even one as bad as this, isn't a big deal anymore.

So the match, Root wins the toss, its a murky May morning ideal for bowling.  In his side he has possibly the two best English seamers of all time, the opposition is young and has little experience in England.  What does the captain do?  He chooses to bat...  Probably his biggest tactical cock up since he inserted Australia at Adelaide.  His on field captaincy was underwhelming throughout the match too; it's as if he's trying too hard to be clever.  His waft at a wide ball on day one was just shocking.

England's batting on the first day was limp, aside from Cook proving class is permanent, the rest were almost as bad as they first test in New Zealand.  All out for 180 odd?  No problem, these are home conditions, the bowlers will get us out of trouble.  To be fair England bowled okay but the fielding was piss poor and Pakistan's batsmen scrapped hard enough to get a decent lead.

England's second knock was almost the same, only Root stood up amongst the tumbling top order but once again he failed to reach three figures.  The one bright note was Bess and Buttler coming together down the order, taking time to play themselves in then batting sensibly and punishing bad bowling.  Could we make a game of this yet?  No, another all too predictable collapse on day four and it's all over before lunch.

This has to be the worst home test performance since 1999 when England capitulated against a barely competent New Zealand side (certainly not as good as the kiwi team that beat us earlier in the year).  It's easy to forget last year when this England team lost a test to possibly the worst West Indian team to visit these shores.  But this was even worse than that too, the batting and fielding was village green standard and the bowling too wide.  Credit to Pakistan who outplayed England in all disciplines of the game.  However this was a truly pathetic performance by the home side.

The selectors have acted quickly in dropping Mark Stoneman who in truth, in eleven tests has consistently done just enough to retain his place, without ever looking like a test cricketer.  In this match he stood on the crease and allowed the Pakistani bowlers to chuck whatever they wanted at him.  Much the same was Dawad Malan who hangs onto his spot for now but despite a century in OZ he doesn't look the part to me.  Both Stoneman and Malan found it impossible to take a single and get off strike while Root at the other end did it with apparent ease.

England have the best ODI team in the world yet regular match winners from this team don't get a look in for test matches.  Two cases in point are Alex Hales and Adil Rashid who have done as well as any recent newcomers to the test side but now choose to play only white ball cricket.  Jason Roy destroys opposition bowlers too, we've tried everyone else so why not him?  Dare I say it the much maligned (by me) Gary Ballance has by far the best record of test newcomers in the last four years, but he should never be in the top three!

I can't get my head round Bairstow's move up the order.  Yes he has become a class batsman but what he does at No.7 works so why change it?  If Joss Buttler is picked as a batsman then stick him up the order!  Dom Bess' debut will be remembered for a gutsy half century and that type of batting may come in handy if his career is prolonged.  However that depends on his bowling, in this match he sent down some decent off spin but just about every over had one 'hit me' ball.  Was this a serious long term selection?  Or is it an arrogant fill in pick while others come back from injury?

Another man to come in and out of the team, then in and out again is Nick Compton and to be fair he has done as well as anyone.  In his latest incarnation as a Sky sports pundit he suggests moving Cook down to three and picking a new, young opening partnership.  In recent years England have rarely passed fifty without losing a couple of wickets so why not?  We have nothing to lose!

The next test is at Headingly on Friday and from here it's hard to see anything other than another Pakistan win.  We've seen England bounce back in the past but it's difficult to imagine them improving enough to beat a very good Pakistan team.  I hope I'm wrong, I usually am.

Fucking wedding

So apparently there's a fucking wedding tomorrow...

'Apparently'?  Bollocks, it's impossible to miss the fucking hype.  The media telling us what we should be thinking about once again and a lot of people, mostly elderly, are pissing their pants with excitement.  The remnants of a generation who hold blind, unquestioning faith in government and monarchy.  Don't get me started...

A couple of days ago over fifty Palestinians were slaughtered by the Israelis (almost certainly with guns made in Britain or the US...) but the news headline was the bride's father wouldn't be able to make it.  The day after there was the shock news that the groom's niece and nephew would be bridesmaid and page boy, well how original, who the fuck could have guessed that?

I haven't been invited and we were practically neighbours while he was flying choppers!  But this isn't why I greeted every news bulletin with shouts of "FUCK OFF".  To be fair if every one of us that has contributed to paying for this fucking circus got an invite they'd need a big fucking church.

On the way home from work I walked past a window decorated with bunting and a photo of the 'happy couple'.  I felt like putting a brick through it but I didn't because I'm not that nasty.

Today that useless bitch Teresa May has appointed a handful of Tory peers to help push Brexit bollocks through the House of Lords, there's been a plane crash in Cuba and yet another school shooting in the USA but the headline is....

Although I would describe myself as a 'passive Republican' (definitely not in the American sense, let's make that clear) I don't dislike Charlie's kids, I actually wish them well.  (I don't even dislike Charlie, or his mum.  Not keen on either of his wives though...)  I just don't want to hear another word about this fucking wedding!

What is a passive Republican?  I'm against the monarchy in principle ( I mean come on... It's 2018 FFS) but can't be arsed to protest or do anything about it.  They should really be persuaded to retire the whole silly idea.  We are asked to believe that the royals are an asset, bringing tourist revenue into the country.  Bollocks.  Turn Windsor Castle into a massive theme park then, that would be much more cost effective.

I definitely think the civil list should be scrapped, if the Germans can't make a their way in life with the best education available in the world then fuck 'em.  I mean Charlie's brothers, what a pair of useless wankers and there's a load of other distantly related hangers on enjoying a privileged existence at the taxpayers expense.  Fuck 'em.

Radio Ga Ga

Let me get straight to the point I really don’t like Heart FM.  I’ve always disliked local radio and whenever I have the choice then its Radio 6music for me every single time.  I have never tuned into Heart by choice but have at times been assaulted by it in the workplace where it’s been out of my hands.  I was listening at its inception in 2009 and despite the rebrand it was still the same old shit; safe, non-challenging pop/rock music that will offend no one, presented by affable idiots who are just too Smashy & Nicey to ever knowingly upset anyone. I totally believe that rock music should challenge and offend by definition.  Like any radio station the music is a mixture; a few songs I loathe, a few I like and sometimes one or two that I love but most just washes over me.  The maddening thing with Heart FM is they repeat the same thing over and over and over, forever and ever.

In 2009 Heart FM was playing, apart from whatever was in the charts at the time, music by Take That, Brittney Spears, Rhianna, Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Pink, Black Eyed Peas, Beyonce, Katie Perry, ‘Low’ by Flo rida was on all the time and two songs by Kings of Leon, either ‘Use Somebody’ or ‘Sex on Fire’.  With the exception of Take That and Brittney I like the rest of those artists and Kings of Leon are great but the constant repetition drove everyone mad.  After much debate the workplace radio was tuned into something else and we left Heart FM behind.

Now having changed employer I am forced to listen to Heart FM again and it’s as if I’ve been taken back in time.  Every day I listen to music by Take That, Brittney Spears, Rhianna, Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Pink, Black Eyed Peas, Beyonce, Katie Perry, ‘Low’ by Flo rida is still on regularly and still two songs by Kings of Leon, want to guess which ones?  Ed Sheeran is massive so of course they are going to play him and I actually quite like him.  Apart from being a seriously good song writer (‘Castle on the Hill’ is a cracking tune) he’s a fellow ginger lad from my home county of Suffolk, what’s not to like?  Today Ed was played seven times between 0800 and 1630; admittedly it was four different tunes but seriously seven times?  Likewise the cute US pop/rock star known as ‘Pink’; great voice and decent tunes, two of which were played three times each today.  This repetition will not make me rush out to buy the music, if anything it will have the opposite effect.  I don’t want to dislike these people but I’m getting seriously bored of hearing it.

If anything it’s gotten worse because they keep playing the fucking Spice Girls.  The fucking Spice Girls!!  Now if I’m honest back in the nineties I didn’t mind the Spice Girls, the music was crap but they looked like five slappers from the pub and you told yourself you could have pulled one of them, yes they were that rough.  Ginger Spice said the immortal words and all the little girls, whose brothers were playing Power Rangers, latched onto “Girl Power”, on the bandwagon rolled and rolled, they made billions and believed their own hype.  Now twenty years later the music is beyond crap, it is bland corporate earwax that offends me.  I feel like flushing my own head down the toilet just to drown out the sound.  Posh Spice can’t sing and of the others only Mel C is anything other than average.  But Heart FM still plays it?  Why?  Nostalgia I suppose, the kind of person that tunes to Heart FM has no taste and very little between the ears.

This is taking me off at a tangent, Heart FM keeps insisting on playing older songs that are fucking terrible, anything by ‘Ace of Bass’ for example (Yes Heart still play them!) but worryingly I remember liking some of this stuff at the time (not Ace of bass).  A prime example is Wyclef Jean.  Now ‘The Fugees’ made a brilliant album with ‘The Score’ and I didn’t mind Wyclef’s solo stuff but hearing it now, Jesus Christ its garbage!  The bloke can’t actually sing a note and the songs sound like they were written in a primary school class in a ‘write a bad poem’ competition.  ‘Perfect Gentleman’ is complete and utter garbage.

After a few weeks I rebelled and retuned, the first clear signal I received was Radio One which would never be my first choice but believe me it was like a tune wafting from heaven after weeks of Heart FM.  I haven’t been a Radio One listener for well over a decade, it wasn’t the music that turned me off but the arse hole DJ’s.  At breakfast time there was the odious, opinionated gob shite Chris Moyles, don’t get me started…  That fat ball of lard was followed by Mrs Ego Jo Wiley.  Nowadays the DJ’s seem a bit more low key, with the possible exception of Scott Mills with his annoying habit of … being Scott Mills.  Get “Off of” it you tit.  Honestly I could have put up with any DJ waffle because there was a good mix of music of all styles and types.   Once or twice a day I’d find myself yelling “Tune!!” as something truly great came through the speakers;  Massive Attack, Rage against the Machine, Panic! At the Disco, Bob Marley!!!

It didn’t last, someone noticed and retuned the radio to Bland FM and I spent today hearing stuff like ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ by Coolio, which was released in 1995 but has been played about once a day for the last two months.  Why not play the original classic ‘Passtime paradise’ by Stevie Wonder. Likewise ‘Miami’ by Will Smith which was released in 1997, was crap then and is certainly not worth trawling out of any record archive today.  Not to mention all the usual safe, non-challenging pop/rock music that will offend no one…  Except me.  I’m offended by the bland, sterile, safe nice ness of it all!  I want to drive to Norwich, break into the studio and start smashing things…

Groundhog day

Despite dominating the second test, once again England could not take the twenty wickets necessary to win a test match.  New Zealand batted the final day out on a flat pitch and hung on for the draw.  It's no disgrace to lose in New Zealand, they have a decent test team nowadays and there is no such thing as an easy match away from home.  However, England have enough world class players to be a match for anyone, there is the spine of a world champion team but for the last four years our selectors haven't been able to fill the line up around Cook, Root, Stokes, Bairstow, Broad and Anderson.

At the moment Stoneman and Malan should retain their places in the side but both need to show a bit more and that still leaves a space in the batting line up.  Of those that have been tried in the last few years Ballance has by far the best record but doesn't look like a test player when facing the very best opposition.  James Vince is currently the man in position and had a decent last match but he isn't a long term test batsman. The brightest prospect is Hasseb Hameed who was very impressive against India last year but injury and poor form means he hasn't featured since.  It's only a matter of time before he does and could be a likely player to bat at 3 next season. 

Moeen Ali had a great home summer with both bat and ball but has had an equally awful winter.  He is a very good all rounder and could probably walk into any test team as a number 6 but we have Ben Stokes filling that role.  As a spinner Moeen is decent and threatens on home soil but every time he's toured he's been found wanting.  England must start looking for a genuinely world class spinner and Jack Leach done okay on debut so should hold onto this place for now.  Moeen could and should find himself in the squad for tours of the sub continent and may yet stake a claim as an out and out batsman.

England have no shortage of seamers that can run up and do a good job on home soil but what we need is a genuinely quick bowler who can make things happen on the flat pitches we often encounter overseas.  Mark Wood done okay in this match and has mostly performed well when selected but fitness is an issue.  Then there is Liam Plunkett who is probably our best ODI bowler but hasn't featured in a test for some time.  After those two players, well I don't know but I'd be happy to tour the county grounds for a look this summer.  Come to think of it, don't the ECB employ people to do this already?

The current head of selectors is James Whittaker who took over the role in 2013 and has given debuts to twenty three players in this time.  Of those only Moeen Ali has become a mainstay of the team but to be fair Wood, Malan, Leach and Hameed could yet earn a more permanent place in the side.  So if I'm generous and credit Whittaker with five hits that still leaves eighteen misses.  Those figure speak for themselves.

As bad as we have been in test cricket it's fair to credit the selectors with the ODI squads they have selected because after hard away series wins against both Australia and New Zealand, England are probably the best one day side in the world at the moment.

So a couple of months away from the next test series this selector would pick this XI;

Cook, Stoneman, Hameed, Root, Malan, Stokes, Bairstow, Broad, Wood, Leach, Anderson