Another week, another test match

Another week, another test match, another one sided thrashing but this time it was England in the ascendancy.  How could we be so bad last week and so good this?  What was different?  We bowled fuller and held our catches, the commentators all agreed England looked "up for it" this week.  So why not last week?

What else was new?   Keaton Jennings only scored 29 runs but actually looked good in doing so.  He scored freely to begin which allowed Cook to just play his game without scoreboard pressure. Together they put on a fifty opening stand, England's first since Adelaide.  Put in context with what has gone on in the recent past, Jennings done very well.  None of England's batsmen gave their wicket away cheaply this time.

I think Mark Wood should feel deservedly gutted to miss out in this match after doing as well as anyone at Lords.  Chris Woakes took advantage of his luck with three wickets in the first innings.  Maybe a better 'horses for courses' bowler for Headingly.

Stokes was injured so little 19 year old Sam Curran got a game.  A future 'batsman who can bowl a bit' apparently.  He did OK, probably a bit better than big brother Tom a few months back.  It could be some while before either gets another game for England but at least now they're capped they won't be tempted to play for their father's native Zimbabwe.

England's two big stars of this little series both grew up playing cricket at Taunton.  Dom Bess could hardly have done better with his opportunity.  A maiden half century in the first test, followed by 49 as night watchman in the second.  He didn't look like a tailender, he looked like a test batsman.  He's been sharp in the field at all times and took a brilliant catch in the second innings at Leeds.  Then he bowled eleven tidy overs and finished with 3-33.  Joss Buttler done exactly what he was brought into the team to do, he scored runs with the tail.  His batting on Sunday morning was the most fun this England fan has had since last summer.

Pakistan done better than anyone expected in this series and it's a shame there isn't a third match to settle things.  I think it highly likely England would have taken the series had there been another match, like we did last year when West Indies won a test against all odds.  Pakistan fans would disagree, fair enough.  No doubt this latest Pakistan side is full of talent and the next time the two teams meet will be interesting.

Worst home test performance since '99

The first test has come and gone in the blink of an eye.  May in England, result is a nine wicket win inside ten sessions, sounds familiar?  Only it was England on the receiving end of the thrashing.  Normally a test match dominates my mind and routine for a few days.  My body and mental state ebbs and flows with the match.  In short I get emotional about England playing a test match.  Not throughout this match, from the first home wicket (if not the first ball) I have just felt numb, the course of the match has not even moved me to swear when another lame wicket fell.  I do hope this isn't permanent, I suspect it's just because another England defeat, even one as bad as this, isn't a big deal anymore.

So the match, Root wins the toss, its a murky May morning ideal for bowling.  In his side he has possibly the two best English seamers of all time, the opposition is young and has little experience in England.  What does the captain do?  He chooses to bat...  Probably his biggest tactical cock up since he inserted Australia at Adelaide.  His on field captaincy was underwhelming throughout the match too; it's as if he's trying too hard to be clever.  His waft at a wide ball on day one was just shocking.

England's batting on the first day was limp, aside from Cook proving class is permanent, the rest were almost as bad as they first test in New Zealand.  All out for 180 odd?  No problem, these are home conditions, the bowlers will get us out of trouble.  To be fair England bowled okay but the fielding was piss poor and Pakistan's batsmen scrapped hard enough to get a decent lead.

England's second knock was almost the same, only Root stood up amongst the tumbling top order but once again he failed to reach three figures.  The one bright note was Bess and Buttler coming together down the order, taking time to play themselves in then batting sensibly and punishing bad bowling.  Could we make a game of this yet?  No, another all too predictable collapse on day four and it's all over before lunch.

This has to be the worst home test performance since 1999 when England capitulated against a barely competent New Zealand side (certainly not as good as the kiwi team that beat us earlier in the year).  It's easy to forget last year when this England team lost a test to possibly the worst West Indian team to visit these shores.  But this was even worse than that too, the batting and fielding was village green standard and the bowling too wide.  Credit to Pakistan who outplayed England in all disciplines of the game.  However this was a truly pathetic performance by the home side.

The selectors have acted quickly in dropping Mark Stoneman who in truth, in eleven tests has consistently done just enough to retain his place, without ever looking like a test cricketer.  In this match he stood on the crease and allowed the Pakistani bowlers to chuck whatever they wanted at him.  Much the same was Dawad Malan who hangs onto his spot for now but despite a century in OZ he doesn't look the part to me.  Both Stoneman and Malan found it impossible to take a single and get off strike while Root at the other end did it with apparent ease.

England have the best ODI team in the world yet regular match winners from this team don't get a look in for test matches.  Two cases in point are Alex Hales and Adil Rashid who have done as well as any recent newcomers to the test side but now choose to play only white ball cricket.  Jason Roy destroys opposition bowlers too, we've tried everyone else so why not him?  Dare I say it the much maligned (by me) Gary Ballance has by far the best record of test newcomers in the last four years, but he should never be in the top three!

I can't get my head round Bairstow's move up the order.  Yes he has become a class batsman but what he does at No.7 works so why change it?  If Joss Buttler is picked as a batsman then stick him up the order!  Dom Bess' debut will be remembered for a gutsy half century and that type of batting may come in handy if his career is prolonged.  However that depends on his bowling, in this match he sent down some decent off spin but just about every over had one 'hit me' ball.  Was this a serious long term selection?  Or is it an arrogant fill in pick while others come back from injury?

Another man to come in and out of the team, then in and out again is Nick Compton and to be fair he has done as well as anyone.  In his latest incarnation as a Sky sports pundit he suggests moving Cook down to three and picking a new, young opening partnership.  In recent years England have rarely passed fifty without losing a couple of wickets so why not?  We have nothing to lose!

The next test is at Headingly on Friday and from here it's hard to see anything other than another Pakistan win.  We've seen England bounce back in the past but it's difficult to imagine them improving enough to beat a very good Pakistan team.  I hope I'm wrong, I usually am.

Fucking wedding

So apparently there's a fucking wedding tomorrow...

'Apparently'?  Bollocks, it's impossible to miss the fucking hype.  The media telling us what we should be thinking about once again and a lot of people, mostly elderly, are pissing their pants with excitement.  The remnants of a generation who hold blind, unquestioning faith in government and monarchy.  Don't get me started...

A couple of days ago over fifty Palestinians were slaughtered by the Israelis (almost certainly with guns made in Britain or the US...) but the news headline was the bride's father wouldn't be able to make it.  The day after there was the shock news that the groom's niece and nephew would be bridesmaid and page boy, well how original, who the fuck could have guessed that?

I haven't been invited and we were practically neighbours while he was flying choppers!  But this isn't why I greeted every news bulletin with shouts of "FUCK OFF".  To be fair if every one of us that has contributed to paying for this fucking circus got an invite they'd need a big fucking church.

On the way home from work I walked past a window decorated with bunting and a photo of the 'happy couple'.  I felt like putting a brick through it but I didn't because I'm not that nasty.

Today that useless bitch Teresa May has appointed a handful of Tory peers to help push Brexit bollocks through the House of Lords, there's been a plane crash in Cuba and yet another school shooting in the USA but the headline is....

Although I would describe myself as a 'passive Republican' (definitely not in the American sense, let's make that clear) I don't dislike Charlie's kids, I actually wish them well.  (I don't even dislike Charlie, or his mum.  Not keen on either of his wives though...)  I just don't want to hear another word about this fucking wedding!

What is a passive Republican?  I'm against the monarchy in principle ( I mean come on... It's 2018 FFS) but can't be arsed to protest or do anything about it.  They should really be persuaded to retire the whole silly idea.  We are asked to believe that the royals are an asset, bringing tourist revenue into the country.  Bollocks.  Turn Windsor Castle into a massive theme park then, that would be much more cost effective.

I definitely think the civil list should be scrapped, if the Germans can't make a their way in life with the best education available in the world then fuck 'em.  I mean Charlie's brothers, what a pair of useless wankers and there's a load of other distantly related hangers on enjoying a privileged existence at the taxpayers expense.  Fuck 'em.

Radio Ga Ga

Let me get straight to the point I really don’t like Heart FM.  I’ve always disliked local radio and whenever I have the choice then its Radio 6music for me every single time.  I have never tuned into Heart by choice but have at times been assaulted by it in the workplace where it’s been out of my hands.  I was listening at its inception in 2009 and despite the rebrand it was still the same old shit; safe, non-challenging pop/rock music that will offend no one, presented by affable idiots who are just too Smashy & Nicey to ever knowingly upset anyone. I totally believe that rock music should challenge and offend by definition.  Like any radio station the music is a mixture; a few songs I loathe, a few I like and sometimes one or two that I love but most just washes over me.  The maddening thing with Heart FM is they repeat the same thing over and over and over, forever and ever.

In 2009 Heart FM was playing, apart from whatever was in the charts at the time, music by Take That, Brittney Spears, Rhianna, Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Pink, Black Eyed Peas, Beyonce, Katie Perry, ‘Low’ by Flo rida was on all the time and two songs by Kings of Leon, either ‘Use Somebody’ or ‘Sex on Fire’.  With the exception of Take That and Brittney I like the rest of those artists and Kings of Leon are great but the constant repetition drove everyone mad.  After much debate the workplace radio was tuned into something else and we left Heart FM behind.

Now having changed employer I am forced to listen to Heart FM again and it’s as if I’ve been taken back in time.  Every day I listen to music by Take That, Brittney Spears, Rhianna, Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Pink, Black Eyed Peas, Beyonce, Katie Perry, ‘Low’ by Flo rida is still on regularly and still two songs by Kings of Leon, want to guess which ones?  Ed Sheeran is massive so of course they are going to play him and I actually quite like him.  Apart from being a seriously good song writer (‘Castle on the Hill’ is a cracking tune) he’s a fellow ginger lad from my home county of Suffolk, what’s not to like?  Today Ed was played seven times between 0800 and 1630; admittedly it was four different tunes but seriously seven times?  Likewise the cute US pop/rock star known as ‘Pink’; great voice and decent tunes, two of which were played three times each today.  This repetition will not make me rush out to buy the music, if anything it will have the opposite effect.  I don’t want to dislike these people but I’m getting seriously bored of hearing it.

If anything it’s gotten worse because they keep playing the fucking Spice Girls.  The fucking Spice Girls!!  Now if I’m honest back in the nineties I didn’t mind the Spice Girls, the music was crap but they looked like five slappers from the pub and you told yourself you could have pulled one of them, yes they were that rough.  Ginger Spice said the immortal words and all the little girls, whose brothers were playing Power Rangers, latched onto “Girl Power”, on the bandwagon rolled and rolled, they made billions and believed their own hype.  Now twenty years later the music is beyond crap, it is bland corporate earwax that offends me.  I feel like flushing my own head down the toilet just to drown out the sound.  Posh Spice can’t sing and of the others only Mel C is anything other than average.  But Heart FM still plays it?  Why?  Nostalgia I suppose, the kind of person that tunes to Heart FM has no taste and very little between the ears.

This is taking me off at a tangent, Heart FM keeps insisting on playing older songs that are fucking terrible, anything by ‘Ace of Bass’ for example (Yes Heart still play them!) but worryingly I remember liking some of this stuff at the time (not Ace of bass).  A prime example is Wyclef Jean.  Now ‘The Fugees’ made a brilliant album with ‘The Score’ and I didn’t mind Wyclef’s solo stuff but hearing it now, Jesus Christ its garbage!  The bloke can’t actually sing a note and the songs sound like they were written in a primary school class in a ‘write a bad poem’ competition.  ‘Perfect Gentleman’ is complete and utter garbage.

After a few weeks I rebelled and retuned, the first clear signal I received was Radio One which would never be my first choice but believe me it was like a tune wafting from heaven after weeks of Heart FM.  I haven’t been a Radio One listener for well over a decade, it wasn’t the music that turned me off but the arse hole DJ’s.  At breakfast time there was the odious, opinionated gob shite Chris Moyles, don’t get me started…  That fat ball of lard was followed by Mrs Ego Jo Wiley.  Nowadays the DJ’s seem a bit more low key, with the possible exception of Scott Mills with his annoying habit of … being Scott Mills.  Get “Off of” it you tit.  Honestly I could have put up with any DJ waffle because there was a good mix of music of all styles and types.   Once or twice a day I’d find myself yelling “Tune!!” as something truly great came through the speakers;  Massive Attack, Rage against the Machine, Panic! At the Disco, Bob Marley!!!

It didn’t last, someone noticed and retuned the radio to Bland FM and I spent today hearing stuff like ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ by Coolio, which was released in 1995 but has been played about once a day for the last two months.  Why not play the original classic ‘Passtime paradise’ by Stevie Wonder. Likewise ‘Miami’ by Will Smith which was released in 1997, was crap then and is certainly not worth trawling out of any record archive today.  Not to mention all the usual safe, non-challenging pop/rock music that will offend no one…  Except me.  I’m offended by the bland, sterile, safe nice ness of it all!  I want to drive to Norwich, break into the studio and start smashing things…

Groundhog day

Despite dominating the second test, once again England could not take the twenty wickets necessary to win a test match.  New Zealand batted the final day out on a flat pitch and hung on for the draw.  It's no disgrace to lose in New Zealand, they have a decent test team nowadays and there is no such thing as an easy match away from home.  However, England have enough world class players to be a match for anyone, there is the spine of a world champion team but for the last four years our selectors haven't been able to fill the line up around Cook, Root, Stokes, Bairstow, Broad and Anderson.

At the moment Stoneman and Malan should retain their places in the side but both need to show a bit more and that still leaves a space in the batting line up.  Of those that have been tried in the last few years Ballance has by far the best record but doesn't look like a test player when facing the very best opposition.  James Vince is currently the man in position and had a decent last match but he isn't a long term test batsman. The brightest prospect is Hasseb Hameed who was very impressive against India last year but injury and poor form means he hasn't featured since.  It's only a matter of time before he does and could be a likely player to bat at 3 next season. 

Moeen Ali had a great home summer with both bat and ball but has had an equally awful winter.  He is a very good all rounder and could probably walk into any test team as a number 6 but we have Ben Stokes filling that role.  As a spinner Moeen is decent and threatens on home soil but every time he's toured he's been found wanting.  England must start looking for a genuinely world class spinner and Jack Leach done okay on debut so should hold onto this place for now.  Moeen could and should find himself in the squad for tours of the sub continent and may yet stake a claim as an out and out batsman.

England have no shortage of seamers that can run up and do a good job on home soil but what we need is a genuinely quick bowler who can make things happen on the flat pitches we often encounter overseas.  Mark Wood done okay in this match and has mostly performed well when selected but fitness is an issue.  Then there is Liam Plunkett who is probably our best ODI bowler but hasn't featured in a test for some time.  After those two players, well I don't know but I'd be happy to tour the county grounds for a look this summer.  Come to think of it, don't the ECB employ people to do this already?

The current head of selectors is James Whittaker who took over the role in 2013 and has given debuts to twenty three players in this time.  Of those only Moeen Ali has become a mainstay of the team but to be fair Wood, Malan, Leach and Hameed could yet earn a more permanent place in the side.  So if I'm generous and credit Whittaker with five hits that still leaves eighteen misses.  Those figure speak for themselves.

As bad as we have been in test cricket it's fair to credit the selectors with the ODI squads they have selected because after hard away series wins against both Australia and New Zealand, England are probably the best one day side in the world at the moment.

So a couple of months away from the next test series this selector would pick this XI;

Cook, Stoneman, Hameed, Root, Malan, Stokes, Bairstow, Broad, Wood, Leach, Anderson

Test Cricket WTF?

What the fuck is going on in the world of cricket?

England started their test series against New Zealand with a shambolic collapse on the first morning, all out for 58 which was a recovery from 27-9.  After that New Zealand batted long, before and after almost two days were lost for rain and once again England were unable to bowl their opposition out.  England's second innings was better but nobody made a century despite seven of the top eight players scoring 23 or more.

You can look at the eleven players selected for this match and reasonably conclude that is a very strong team to field in English conditions.  However England have now gone twelve consecutive away tests without a win and have failed to take twenty wickets in eleven of those matches.  When will the selectors wise up?

Of the team that played the first test I'm going to single out two players;  Moeen Ali is out of form.  Chris Woakes has been consistently poor since returning from injury late last summer.  He may score useful runs but his job is taking wickets.  Both should be dropped and replaced by the pace of Mark Wood and legspin of Mason Crane.

In March 2009 England went to the West Indies confident of winning the test series only to lose the first test after being blown away for fifty something in Jamaica and went on to lose the series 1-0.  After that low point England kept improving and were the number one test team by August 2012.  Right now we have the players to repeat this feat and the second test would be a bloody good time to start.


The series in New Zealand is completely overshadowed by what has been going on in South Africa where Australia are touring.  The series stood at 1-1 after two hard fought but fractious matches, there was bad blood between the players and the odious David Warner was taking centre stage again.

The third match was of the same vein, tough cricket in front of a partisan crowd, Aussie coach Lehmann had the gall to complain about the abuse his team was receiving!!??!!  Oh Darren you whinging, hypocritical oaf!  Midway through the third day, with South Africa starting to dominate the match the Aussies resorted to cheating by tampering with the ball.  Bancroft was seen on TV behaving in a highly suspicious manner and concealing something that looked a lot like sandpaper.  Messages came from the coach to the players, this was followed by more suspicious behaviour.  Whatever they were trying didn't work, South Africa were well on top.

After play Bancroft and captain Smith turned up at the press conference and basically said "Yea sorry, we cheated and you caught us. We discusssed it at lunch and decided cheating was a good idea. Honestly it's never happened before and will never happen again.  Sorry see ya later".  The morons obviously didn't have the slightest idea of how seriously the world of cricket would take these events.  They probably thought they could front up and then be applauded for their honesty.  Now a couple of days on I think even idiots like Smith and Warner realise how deep the shit is.  The coach Lehmann cannot have been ignorant of what was going on. 

Meanwhile, in the background, the match continued.  Aus were set 400+ to win and managed to lose 10-50 on their way to being bowled out for 107.  A collapse of English proportions.  South Africa took an unassailable 2-1 lead and well played them.

So what happens next?  There will obviously be investigation and scrutiny.  As an English cricket supporter I'd like to know How long has this 'tactic' been going on?  It looks likely that Smith, Bancroft, Warner and hopefully Lehmann will all receive bans, they should be long ones.  In my opinion deliberate, premeditated tactical cheating is worse than spot fixing.  The bans handed out to these characters should reflect this.

The teams led by captains such as Border, Taylor, Waugh and Ponting would never have behaved in this way.  We disliked the Aussie cricketers for many years but we disliked them because they were so bloody good, it was a compliment.  This team has neither the class or the skill of those great Aussie sides but are disliked because of the arrogance and hypocrisy of the players.

Ashes autopsy

Another Ashes test series has come to an end, thankfully the ailing English Lion has been put out of its misery.  Australia deservedly finished 4-0 winners, at least we were spared the depressing humiliation of a whitewash.
Back in November the Aussie selection raised a few eyebrows but it seems they got it right as pretty much all of those picked have contributed in some way.  Stephen Smith in particular was brilliant and all four of their bowlers took more than twenty wickets.  England's biggest problem is that our combined bowling attack couldn't take twenty wickets in any of the matches.

Our batsmen didn't exactly excel either.  Alastair Cook had one magnificent knock of 244 but failed to pass 40 in any of the other innings.  Mark Stoneman began the tour in decent form with a couple of fifties but his returns dwindled as the series wore on.  To be fair opening the innings is difficult anywhere and even more so on Australian wickets with quality bowlers sending the ball down at 90mph.  Cook may well be getting towards the end of his career but is still well worth his place in the team and who else is there?  The lack of alternatives means Stoneman has probably done enough to keep his place in the side for the tour of New Zealand at least.

James Vince was a bizarre selection and I really wonder if Alex Hales would have got that spot had it not been for the 'Bristol incident'.  Hales was in the wrong place at the wrong time, I imagine the selectors thinking 'shit, who do we pick?'  Vince started well with 83 in the first test and managed a second fifty but kept getting out for low scores after wafting at wide balls.  After twelve tests he averages 22 and has never looked the part.

One of the very few positives from the tour was Dawad Malan who scored his first test century and backed this up with other decent scores to finish the tour with 383 runs at 42.55.  This is s decent return for a young player and he'll hopefully push on from here.

Johnny Bairstow only managed one fifty plus score but this was 119 and although he wasn't up to his usual standard he is a class batsman, his keeping improves all the time.  The waft outside the off stump in Sydney, after refusing a nightwatchman was horrible...

Moeen Ali had a poor tour, he didn't get the runs we have come to expect from him and his bowling was totally ineffective.  On home wickets Mo is class with both bat and ball but his bowling definitely doesn't travel.  He started the tour with a bit of an injury and a slow start might have affected his confidence but I still don't believe he was up to the job that was asked of him.

Chris Woakes could also be regarded as an all-rounder but on this tour he didn't look like he could bat or bowl.  At times Woakes has looked like a very good cricketer but remove one great match against Pakistan from his record and it becomes distinctly average.  If he is going to keep his place in the side then he will have to do more in the future.

We have two truly great opening bowlers who had contrasting series.  Stuart Broad was well below his usual standard, he bowled a couple of very good spells but also had a couple of poor matches.  In truth Broad hasn't been a game changer since the tour of South Africa a couple of years ago and if he doesn't rediscover his form soon he might find himself discarded.  On the other hand James Anderson has been on top form all year and showed his class on this tour even though the pitches didn't suit him.  He was our leading wicket taker with 17 but this tally was still fewer than any of the Aussie bowlers.

A few bowlers came and went; Jake Ball played one match, took one wicket then got injured and never featured again.  Mason Crane displayed his leg spin at Sydney but didn't make an impact.  Craig Overton and Tom Curran both played two matches each and both showed they could contribute with a few runs.  Overton looked a decent bowler too but his tour was shortened by injury, hopefully he will come back.

That just leaves the captain; Joe Root done OK with the bat and passed fifty five times without making it to three figures.  If he is going to make the most of his talent and become the truly great player he looks like being then he has to make it count when he gets in.  If he could have turned a couple of those half centuries into three figures then who knows how those games would have turned out.  The worst example was the new ball waft at Sydney whilst on 83 which exposed Bairstow and let a powerful position slip away to a pitiful one.  His captaincy is improving all the time but he made two unforgivable cock ups in not bowling Jimmy when Australia were under pressure in Brisbane, then inserting the Aussies after winning the toss in Adelaide.

For me the biggest mistakes for England were made before we even left home and I don't mean the Stokes thing.  I think our selectors have been consistently bad for several years; they still don't know what our best batting line up is but they may be getting closer with Hameed waiting in the wings and I think Keaton Jennings might come back better in future.  
Their biggest crime however comes with the bowlers selected; on pitches abroad we need a quality spinner and at least one 90mph shock bowler.  I don't know who or where these players will come from but that's the selectors job isn't it?

There's some ODI stuff coming up over the next few weeks followed by a couple of test matches in New Zealand which will be a proper test.