January

 A week and a bit into the New Year and it was already apparent that the shit parts of 2020 were doing their best to cling on and stay topical.  Most obviously in the US where soon to be former president Fart was clinging on like a small crusty turd, still refusing to accept he lost and trying to bully officials into inventing votes and carrying out exactly the kind of electoral fraud he is accusing others of.  Fart said “it’s all paedos, communists and the smelly people out to get me; I won big because I said so”.  Fart’s rebellion reached a farcical summit when his followers collectively cried “I believe in bullshit!” led by Manbearpig they stormed the capitol building and invaded the chambers.  When things had calmed down five people were dead, including one man who allegedly died of a heart attack after tasering himself in the bollocks.  Fart continued to vent obnoxiousness and was rewarded with a life ban from social media so his connection with morons was made a little more tenuous.

The media went mental claiming the storming was “terrorism”; it wasn’t, it was a riot.  It was also described as an “attack on democracy” which it possibly could have been if the US was as democratic as it pretends, which it isn’t, obviously.  This also gave British media mouthpieces an excuse to ignore what was happening under their own noses for a day or two which was basically the pandemic causing carnage, aided and abetted by a British government that should be put on trial for manslaughter. 

On Sunday 3^rd PM Penis assured us it was safe for kids to return to school the following day.  Arses had barely touched seats when Penis declared it wasn’t safe after all and put the country back into stricter lockdown.  But things were not as strict as last spring when the situation wasn’t as bad, loads of people were still going to work.  By Friday the exploding infection rate and tragic daily death tolls reached new heights exactly two weeks after families had gathered together to celebrate something or other (FFS!)  Penis looked dishevelled which was normal so gave the herd confidence.  Off camera he was allegedly heard muttering something about “bloody nerds, bloody useless, is there a fridge handy?”

As the month rolled on the US insisted that its problems were more important than anything else and the rest of the world agreed.  World leaders who had been silent for four years suddenly dared criticise Fart who was condemned to be pelted with peaches for a second time.  This was a brief distraction for the herd in the UK who soon became infatuated with just how much profit there was to be made from £30 worth of school meals while the daily death toll was consistently above a thousand and globally the count topped two million.  But at least the vaccines were getting out there, not the fun punky band, the things that will hopefully make us all safe against the plague.

Will January ever fucking end?  The daily death toll continued to climb to new record highs while PM Penis decided that as it was bloody cold outside he might as well get back in the fridge.  It was cold in the US too as Fart puffed and squeaked before being led away from power looked back in regret thinking of the missed putt on the seventeenth.  He tottered into retirement already looking forward to a life of ridicule and jail time but until his day(s) in court Fart done what all fat, old, rich yanks do when they’ve finished working, he moved to Florida.  Old Joe is now in charge and he may be a total cunt for all we know but at least he can form a coherent sentence and has the decency to at least pretend he’s a reasonable bloke.  Meanwhile back in Blighty the herd continued to demonstrate its intellect by travelling from far and wide to gather together to and celebrate.  Celebrate what exactly?  Who the fuck cares!  Party!!

January crawled to a conclusion by which time the statistics were terrifying, one hundred thousand dead.  With a TV address due PM Penis wrote a brilliant speech that said “thank you for ignoring the nerds and listening to me!  You’ve been rewarded with lots of old relatives taken off your hands so it will cost you less next Christmas…”  He handed it to an advisor who almost fainted but recovered in time to rewrite it before the broadcast.  Penis read it and didn’t notice the changes, uncivil servants were relieved when he managed to avoid smirking in front of the cameras.  Meanwhile in the USA Ol’ Joe is still hanging in there.  At the very end of the month, after spending several years and much money in removing the UK from the EU it was announced that we the government had signed a trade agreement with another group of countries, in around the Pacific rim (yes the fucking Pacific) which included industrial powerhouses like Brunei and Malaysia.  Obviously this will be much more lucrative than dealing with our nearest neighbours.

Galling...

All of a sudden there’s cricket in my life again!  A test match in Sri Lanka and a much changed and impossible to predict eleven players took to the field for England.  For two days everything went England’s way; Bess took five and Root passed 200.  England were miles ahead and the win was inevitable.  The pundits lambasted Sri Lanka and moaned about one sided test matches.  Personally I enjoy seeing England crush an opposition because I just get too emotionally involved and tight matches can be stressful.  But then on days three and four Sri Lanka fought back to the point where commentators were back tracking and getting excited again while I was almost worried.  Going into day five England needed 36 runs while Sri Lanka seven wickets.  If the game is still going on by the time I wake up I’ll have reason to worry…

I woke up, there was no worry.  England won by seven wickets.  Yes Sri Lanka were bad for two days but for any England team to win a match in Galle is a big deal and this was far from a full strength XI too.

A few days later, another test match!  None for months then two in a week.  A week in which India’s second XI managed to win a series in Australia…  Once again Sri Lanka won the toss and batted, this time doing the job properly with a ton from Mathews and other big scores driving them on to a challenging score.  Sir Jimmy took 6 wickets and all ten fell to seam, which is worrying when you look at what is coming up…  England replied and for the third consecutive innings our new opening pair folded against left arm spin but Root and Bairstow rebuilt admirably.  Three days gone, the game could go in any direction.  Root continued to another massive century and wiith further support from Buttler, England had a competive total.

I woke up on day four to find Sri Lanka had collapsed and this time our spinners done the damage.  This left England a potentially tricky chase of 164 on fourth innings and at 89-4 we were wobbling on a turning pitch, I was almost nervous for a short time.  Sibley came good at the right time and Buttler’s good form continued to see England home by six wickets. 

For an understrength England team to win 2-0 in Sri Lanka is a great result and stands us in good stead for the tough tour of India that follows.  Root has been magnificent, his batting superb and his captaincy improving.  Buttler batted well and his keeping is threatening to look world class, Bairstow done well without re-cementing his place, Lawrence started the series well but tailed off.  There is concern with our openers against the spinning ball but at least Sibley seemed to improve and finished well.  Our seamers; Broad, Anderson and Wood were all excellent but the spinners struggled at times, although they had good spells and finished okay in the end, they will have to improve further in the coming weeks.

So India,  possibly the toughest of all tours against what is probably the strongest team in the world.  Last time we won there we had world class spinners in Swann and Panesar but we don’t have the like at the moment.  It’s hard to imagine England winning this series, if we can compete it will be a sign of improvement.  With the likes of Stokes, Burns and Ali joining the squad and others departing and with imminent squad rotation, it’s hard to play selector, or is it?

Burns, Sibley, Root, Stokes, Pope, Buttler, Ali, Bess, Broad, Leach, Anderson.

Horrible Histories - 2020

"Crazy guy with the matted beard, standing on the corner, shouting out 'end times are here', but nobody notices"

 

January

The New Year hangover had barely faded when President Fart had his round of golf interrupted by a phone call.  This pissed him off greatly so on a whim Fart ordered the execution of an Iranian general who happened to be on Iraqi soil at the time.  With very little news to broadcast the world media/propaganda machine made hay and for a few days told us to be prepared for world war three and impending holocaust. Meanwhile in the UK Prime Minister Penis waffled some random bollocks and pretended nothing had happened.  That was the high point of the year, after that everything else was shit.

Some of the house of Windsor’s children announced their retirement from active duty and some people gave a fuck, most of whom worked for the Daily Mail.  In China there were more scary stories, a new superflu was making some worrying sneezes but that was no issue, we’ve heard it all before, SARS, Ebola and so on.  The World Health Organisation warned countries to be prepared and British health minister Halfcock promised the UK was well equipped, well prepared and the risk was low before being led away by his carer.  By the end of the month Fart was responding to the virus by reverting to type and banning foreigners.

 

February

There was only one news story by now and it had to have a name so Covid19 was born and to celebrate the virus went on tour visiting any country that traded with China, which is every country.  Scientists started getting very worried but of course all the brightest people are busy running the country so don’t have time for the nerds.  PM Penis proudly declared that Britain would remain open for business and revealed a worrying ‘superman’ fetish.  Henchman Dom said “if a few pensioners die then too bad…” and ‘herd immunity’ became the fashionable phrase.  The US recorded its first death in late February and to celebrate Fart (who had just made his trial charges ‘go away’)made more loud obnoxious noises that left a bad taste and then went off to play golf. 

 

March

On the opening day of the month PM Penis showed uncharacteristic honesty by declaring; “a recession, that’s what I fear the most…”  The UK recorded its first fatality on 4^th March, the next day the WHO made the following statement; “We are concerned that in some countries the level of political commitment and the actions that demonstrate that commitment do not match the level of the threat we all face. This is not a drill. This is not the time to give up. This is not a time for excuses. This is a time for pulling out all the stops.  Countries have been planning for scenarios like this for decades. Now is the time to act on those plans.”  In response the UK government did precisely fuck all.

In the second week of March the WHO declared we had a pandemic, Italy went into total lockdown while the rest of the world went into total meltdown. Penis stood up like corporal Jones and shouted “Don’t panic!” then looked towards the continent whilst scratching his head and dribbling.  In response the British public started to panic and as we all know in times of crisis the answer is spend, so Brits descended on masse to all supermarkets and fought over toilet roll.    Despite Penis saying that banning large events would have little effect on the spread, the governing bodies of British sport acted decisively and postponed all sporting matches but still the actual British government did nothing more than look concerned and advise people to use that well known contradiction “great British common sense”.  The LGBT community went into mourning when Eurovision was cancelled.  As scientists screamed and infections soared in both Italy and Spain, British leaders just stared open mouthed and did fuck all.

Towards the end of the month, after pressure from Europe where countries threatened to close their borders, the UK finally went into lockdown with the slogan “Stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives”.  Having seen the success in Spain and Italy the UK did exactly the fucking same.  It turned out that ‘social distancing’ did not relate to the unwritten rules regarding urinal etiquette and this phrase became part of our lives.  Also ‘Clap for Carers’ was invented (and was not as unpleasant as it sounds), this allowed the British public to stand on the doorsteps flapping limbs once a week in a useless gesture of support for the NHS.  But c’mon!  It made us all feel part of something didn’t it?  Cheering the hospital staff, our heroes!  No it didn’t, not if you saw through the propaganda.  A memorable “You couldn’t make this shit up” moment occurred at the end of March when it was announced that both Penis and Halfcock had become infected with the virus. Had they ignored their own rules?  Surely not!

 

April.

Everyone stayed at home and learned what ‘furlough’ meant but still the death toll mounted at an alarming rate. Queenie addressed the nation while Penis went for a lie down.  Fart blamed China and morons started vandalising mobile phone masts.  Halfcock emerged from hiding, wittered on about testing then retreated to have his chin wiped by nanny.  The Labour party somehow found itself being led by the dark Knight who by the end of the year had crushed the rebellion and hope was extinguished.  In the vacuum Piers Morgan became leader of the opposition and Captain Tom took centre stage in the propaganda war.  Having ignored their own scientists advice, British politicians were still stunned that the virus had become so catastrophic in their own back yard.  Who could have predicted that?  It wasn’t as if Spain and Italy had given them any kind of warning was it?

But for once Britain enjoyed a quiet spring where the sun shone and the birds sang.  For the first time in a generation, consideration and respect threatened to become fashionable again but tragically the start of the English cricket season was postponed.  In the US Fart incited revolution in locked down democratic states and in another classic “You couldn’t make this shit up” moment advised people to try drinking bleach to kill the virus.  But there was some happier news when PM Penis and his whore announced the birth of a son which was a mixed blessing as Father’s day will be like the crystal maze from now on.  Not only that, they called the poor little cunt Wilfred.

 

May

May began in triumph when Britain was crowned champion of the European death toll and moved up to the silver medal spot worldwide.  Fart claimed he’d seen evidence the virus was created in a lab while US intelligence, itself a contradiction, contradicted this. 

VE day was a great excuse for the British public to hold street parties, if Hitler couldn’t stop us then no bloody virus will!  The irony that our greatest generation was actually being killed off in care homes was lost on most.  Then a minor Windsor from the dodgy side of the family got married.

PM Penis was finally persuaded to cut short his holiday and jumped back into the public eye with the worst performance from a British politician since a fat Tory put on a Chelsea shirt in the 90’s.  “Stay alert, control the virus, help the NHS” But what did it mean? Look out for a visible microscopic thing?  It might be lurking in the bushes somewhere ready to strike.  But I won’t know because I can’t fucking see it!  How the fuck am I supposed to stay alert?  Alert for what? “Control the virus…”  What?  How the fuck can I do that?  Most Brit’s can’t even control their fucking dogs!  At least the “Save Lives” part is unchanged, this part is pretty clear.  At least it is until you put it after “Stay alert, Control the virus”.  Somebody somewhere got paid to come up with this bollocks, presumably someone working from home who was halfway through a bottle of cheap gin. But this statement meant the beginning of the end for lockdown and was masterly move in the game of blame avoidance. 

Later in the month came tales of Henchman Dom’s controversial road trip.  Amidst public uproar Penis uttered more barely comprehensible bollocks then hid behind the sofa. Dom fronted up to the blade wielding British media and said “Fuck off plebs, fuck you!”  The electorate released a sigh of relief and said ‘well that’s alright then, put the kettle on will you?’

"Just look at all those slave masters posing on your dollar"

 

June

In the UK people started to go back to work and life started to head in the direction of a place called ‘normal’.  With people advised to avoid public transport and many people still working from home the government decided it was okay for children to return to school.

The media was bored of Covid19 so needed a different news story and the growing ‘Black Lives Matter’ movement was just the tonic.  Having had so much time to think, many people suddenly realised they were racist; some were horrified by this revelation but others embraced it.  Within a few weeks a population that had come together started to fracture down the lines of which side of the BLM debate they fell.  In the US President Fart reverted to type and fanned the flames of racial hatred also showed his true priorities by making people sign a waiver before attending his election rallies. Here in the UK PM Penis said nothing that made any sense at all, and tried to pretend that the world’s worst economic collapse, Europe’s worst death rate and his own published racist past were just bad dreams after bouts of gnawing at cheese during midnight fridge raiding sprees.

Midway through the month shops opened again and the great British public proved beyond doubt that they were entirely ignorant, selfish entities and absolutely no lessons had been learnt from the first half of 2020.  Sport started up again and once more people rejoiced at the return of football, the national religion. Unable to attend matches in person sports fans bowed down at the altar of Murdoch.  When the sun shone British people headed to the coast on masse and resorts were heaving but who could have predicted that?  The government announced further relaxation of Covid19 rules and doctors writing in the British Medical Journal warned people to prepare for a second wave of the virus.  Penis stood up in the house and explained the embarrassing stain on his shirt.

 

July

Britain was ecstatic with the reopening of pubs in early July and celebrated by getting slaughtered which gave them an excuse to forget social distancing guidelines.  PM Penis grinned like a rabid mutt thinking “I’ve got away with it…” as his masterplan for blame avoidance worked flawlessly.  An act of divine intervention helped the ECB bring cricket back which now meant summer had a reason to happen.  Facemasks were made compulsory in shops and once again the great British common sense was put to the test and found wanting.  Shops, pubs and businesses that did not survive the lockdown started to announce redundancy and closure.  Around the country various virus spikes in certain regions made people nervous but they carried on in senseless bliss. In the US the BLM movement gathered momentum, in response Fart sent in the army.

 

August

Scientists started getting twitchy again, the government said ‘fuck off nerds’.  For the first time ever the FA cup final was held in august by which time most people were so busy trying to enjoy summer they had forgotten all about self-isolation and social distancing.  Most were now wearing masks but these didn’t come with instructions so many people had really warm, well protected chins.  The government were quiet, probably having another holiday but still we were bombarded with vague instructions and mixed messages.  One of these elastic rules saw British tourists scrambling back to ports and airports in order to get home before some regulation or other changed which would have left them stranded in bloody Europe. The politicians also came up with a brilliant scheme to boost the hospitality sector buy arranging £10 off meals, then blamed people for taking advantage of this and spreading the virus.  The government’s handling of education and exams in particular meant thousands of teenagers were panicking but yet another policy U turn saw calm return. 

 

September

Scientists started to make lots of worried noises once more and we all knew what was coming but the great British public continued stubbornly and stupidly towards more periods of closure.  The government’s incentive to eat out proved so successful that by the end of the month pubs and restaurants were closing at 10pm.  There were more and more inconsistent instructions, restrictions varied from one postcode to the next.  Penis went on TV again and by the time he’d finished slobbering no one was any the wiser.  In the US President Fart had was ignoring impending disasters whilst telling a largely incensed and disbelieving public that he was doing a great job.

 

October

October came and the weather was stormy.  In the US Fart was busy defending his dying presidency while in the UK Penis was still dribbling into his porridge.  As the month wore on even more regions were subjected to ever more unenforceable rules and restrictions but by this time nobody was taking a blind bit of notice anyway.  Scientists and doctors were issuing stark warnings but in general people were just behaving as they always had and to be fair it’s hard to change the habits of a lifetime.  In particular politicians, who just spewed lies and groundless opinions which they’d usually reversed within forty eight hours.  As the month drew to an end we all knew what was coming.

 

November

Another lockdown descended though not as strict as the first, in fact most people just got on with their daily lives but there was bugger all to do in the evenings as pubs were shut once more.  And you know what?  Infections were actually declining again and for a month it looked like everyone would do their Xmas shopping online but of course the shops would have to reopen so we could all be free to pay Xmas tax.  To any sensible person this was madness but very few sensible people get to Westminster. 

Fart started the month by withdrawing from a climate change agreement but at last some good news.  In the US a close election saw Fart comprehensively beaten by some old bloke.  Of course the Fart reacted like a toddler, refusing to believe the result, screaming and hiding in a sand pit, on a golf course.

At some point in late November/early December henchman Dom spit his dummy and quit in a huff.  Six fucking months too late.  But by this time nobody gave a fuck about much.

 

"Where you been?  You can't say? Hey hey hey hey yeah you may"

December

Early in the month people rejoiced firstly there was a vaccine on the way!  A light at the end of the tunnel (or insert your own cliché of choice).  But mostly people were happy to be let out of lockdown and celebrated by massing in pubs and shopping centres which wasn’t at all sensible but honestly, who could have predicted it?  As the December hurtled towards Xmas at terrifying speed so restrictions began to be tightening, various parts of the country, mostly oop north were in high tiers whilst London, despite having frightening infection rates remained open for business.  By the time the festival of greed was here the statistics were horrifying but who would have thought that would happen?   Inevitably after promising we’d be free for Xmas the Penis done yet another U turn and declared we wouldn’t,  the lid was being put back on, not locked down tight there were still plenty of holes to wriggle through and let’s be honest, it was too fucking little, too fucking late.  In typical style the British public were outraged that they would not be allowed to infect their families and loved ones during their favourite time of the year.  PM Penis spoke to the nation looking like something that had been drawn by a five year old and made pronouncements which only idiots were able to fully comprehend. 

Britain passed into the New Year with people spending the evening rat arsed in their living rooms, fighting with their families.  But 2021 dawned!  Some of the more challenged celebrated GB’s final withdrawal from EU but in reality everything was still shit.  It will get worse before it gets better but it will get better.  The Vaccine(s) will sort it out and we will get back to ‘normal’ again; signs of respect and endearment, shaking hands and hugging.  The little things that give us joy like being in a crowd of your own tribe to watch sport or live music and God how much have I missed the latter?  But when what passes for normal does return don’t get too excited, we’ll still be living in a broken system being governed by bastards.  Happy new year, ignore the bullshit, we’ve all got just one go at this so just do what makes you happy.

"So much, look up now, see that sun smiling down on you, give us a hug we'll be smiling as long as you're here"