Tested?

The Test match summer came to an end a couple of weeks ago while I was otherwise engaged.  Having already won the series England were arrogant in selecting an unknown fast bowler then managed to produce possibly the worst home performance in years.  The batting was mostly awful, to lose 17 wickets for about 250 runs is simply not good enough and will mean defeat at almost any time.  When given the chance to be heroes and bowl England to victory our new attack wasn’t up to the task.  The captaincy throughout was naive at best and at worst, that word again – arrogant.  Fair play to Sri Lanka for getting the win but they should never have been allowed to get into the position to do so.  When England are on form they are the best team in the world but when they are bad they're infuriating.

Of the ‘new’ batsmen given a run this summer Lawrence didn’t take his chance and may never get another but Jamie Smith absolutely did and looks as if he could be something special.  His wicket keeping was tidy enough to make me stop banging on about Foakes, maybe.  With the bowlers Gus Atkinson looked the part right up until the final innings, Bashir done well enough and the jury remains out on Hull, I thought Potts was unlucky to be left out for the last match.

Next month we have a tour to Pakistan with three test matches and a sensible squad which has become normal in the Stokes era and is noticeable because this wasn’t often the case under Joe Root.  We’ll have the same top six that did so well last time, half a dozen seamers to choose from and three decent spinners but can we win 3-0 again?  Any win away against Pakistan is a seriously good result, as long as England don’t play anywhere near as badly as they did in the last match we have a chance and if the captain is fit we might just pull it off.

Crime and Punishment?

There’s been a lot going on lately, since the last time I tried to transfer thoughts to words at least.  At the end of July, Me and the Princess spent a few days camping out west, totally disconnected from the media.  When we got home we discovered a horrific murder had lead to rioting around the country as the far right goose stepped into action.  FFS can’t the country keep its shit together when my back is turned for four days?

The media loves to play the blame game and the finger was pointed at Nigel “my one job is to split the working class vote” rhymes with garage and the brazen con man Stephen Yaxley-Lennon.  As much as I may dislike these grifters I think for once(?) they are convenient scapegoats.  This right wing nonsense was fuelled by the rantings of the nastier side of the Tory party; Patel, Braverman and De Pfeffel to name just three.  The former government stirred up this shit in an attempt to disguise their own incompetence and there is a relatively small yet surprisingly large percentage of the population who can’t understand that the people telling them to blame immigrants are the very people who are dry fucking them.

In a similar vein the morons who went out smashing things and attacking innocent people are scum and should absolutely be punished. But hang on a minute, it’s all a bit rushed isn’t it? I mean, it seems a bit heavy handed to me, how are they getting this done so quickly?  If justice can be dispensed this easily then why are the courts so backed up?  People are literally waiting months if not years for their day in court.  Are the sentences being handed out consistent with similar offences at other times?  Or to put it another way, are the punishments fitting the crimes?  On the other hand perhaps the incarcerated rioter really do have their country back, at least the one they deserve.  It’s madness to try to make sense of anything in an insane world said somebody somewhere more than once.  Probably.

Don't blink, its Test match time again

Late August, already!  Another Test series starts tomorrow, England versus Sri Lanka, three matches squeezed into a period of twenty days.  This after the West Indies series was all over inside an eighteen day period.  I wish we could return to the days when a test match summer was exactly that and touring teams would get proper practice matches and plenty of them.  Come to think of it the only time I got to see the great West Indian team play in whites was a tour match at Chelmsford…

Sri Lanka should be stronger opposition than West Indies but England should be expected to make this a 6-0 summer but now Stokes is out injured (bastard hundred) this series suddenly seems a lot closer.  Even with Joe Root in the team the captain is our best player and irreplaceable, his loss will be huge.  That said I like that the selectors have moved the middle order up one and picked an extra bowler, it feels like the right thing to do.  Chris Woakes would have played many more test matches in almost any other era and Jamie Smith has been impressive.

If I’m not mistaken Sri Lanka haven’t won a test match against England since 2014 although that win was enough to take the series, a rare home defeat for England.  One day many of these England players will have to cope without Stokes in the team, now is a good chance to get a bit of practice and I still expect a comfortable home win.

Q's

Can anyone explain how it is possible for ‘The Crown’ or anyone else for that matter, to own the seabed?  The fucking sea bed!!  Talking of the ‘Crown Estates’ I read it has made £334000 in housing benefits since Covid.  How is that possible?  Why is it allowed?

Old Joe has toddled off into retirement so at least one of the candidates in the worlds biggest sham election might be close to rational but will the septics vote for her?

Why did Snoop Dogg of all people carry the Olympic torch in Paris?  I like some of his music but what connection does he have to sport or France?  I enjoy watching the Olympics but not necessarily always for the right reasons.

The post Anderson/Broad era is over and it looks like ‘BB’ has become more refined which can only be for the good.  The line up from 1 to 6 is familiar and currently picks itself but 7 to 11 is much changed and looking very good.  But how good?  It’s hard to tell when they’re expected to win this series 3-0 but is it, as I suspect, that this West Indies team is not as bad as England have made them look?

A family member went for an interview at a well known retailer and as the role was explained it transpired he’d be expected to “ …basically manipulate middle aged to elderly people into buying more stuff to hit a sales quota…” he wasn’t impressed - “To be honest I would’ve probably began hating myself for doing it…”  I probably shouldn’t name the retailer but I won’t be buying anything electrical from them.  Now what should I have for dinner?  Something spicy?

Oh Jimmy Jimmy!

Whatever happens on Sunday evening (and I sincerely wish for an England win) this time tomorrow the country will be swamped under a freak tide of football mania so before that a hurried and highly self indulgent appreciation of one of this country’s greatest ever sportsmen.

It had to end sometime and although there is sense to the management’s thinking it’s a shame Jimmy wasn’t able to chose precisely when.  188 test matches over 21 years and I’ve followed every single one of them in some way.  The records and landmarks came and went, the acclaim – “England’s greatest pace bowler” was awarded long before the end.  Add to that, the greatest swing bowler cricket has ever seen, there will be few dissenters.  Apart from following on TMS or TV I have been at the grounds to watch nine of Jimmy’s test matches and was lucky enough to watch Jimmy bowl on eight occasions.  On these occasions I travelled sometimes with friends, sometimes with family and often with both.

Against West Indies at Edgbaston in 2004, England had dominated the game with Hundreds from Trescothick and Flintoff in the first innings and a second ton from Tres in the second.  This West Indies team contained the likes of Lara, Gayle, and Chanderpaul so were no push overs.  Sarwan hit a hundred but still England were miles ahead.  When we arrived for the fourth day England were going for quick runs to set a target, Thorpe scored fifty odd and we saw Jimmy get one of his record number of “not outs”.  England bowled, Hoggard opened things up and Giles went through the middle order.  Gayle made 88 before falling to Giles and a baby faced Jimmy came on to take the last two wickets of Lawson and Collymore, both clean bowled and we celebrated an England win.  This was virtually the same England squad that kept improving and beat Australia a year later in the best series ever seen.

At Trent Bridge in 2007 Anderson was in the period of his career where he hadn’t yet stepped up a gear and made his place in the side secure, (the previous year England had selected Plunkett and Lewis ahead of him).  This match England were bowled out for 198 and a reply of 481 saw India well on top.  On the fourth day we were treated to an England fight back with 126 from Vaughan and fifties for Strauss and Collingwood.  Jimmy made 1, bowled by the great Anil Kumble and he didn’t take a wicket on this occasion.  India went on to win the match by seven wickets and take the series.

At the same ground a year later England thrashed New Zealand. Pietersen scored a ton on the first day to set a score of 364 and when New Zealand went in Jimmy took career best figures of 7-43 to make the Kiwis follow on.  They done a little better on second innings but at times it looked like the game could be all over on day three.  At the beginning of the fourth day New Zealand needed 65 to make England bat again but they didn’t get there, it was all over by lunch.  Ryan Sidebottom ripped through to finish with 6 wickets.  Jimmy took the last wicket to fall having Chris Martin caught at slip by Collingwood and England had won by an innings.

Later in the summer we went to Edgbaston to see England face a much tougher South African team.  England batted first and made a sub-par 231, South Africa replied with 314 so things could have been worse.  In the second innings a brilliant ton from Collingwood had England back in the game with a chance of edging ahead.  On the fourth day Colly was batting with the tail and managed to add another 60 odd to stretch the lead, he was last man out for 135, Jimmy was bowled by Kallis for one.  South Africa needed 280+ to win and for a long time it looked like they’d never get there, Anderson had Ashwell Prince caught at the wicket and the Saffers were 93/4.  De Villiers scored a few as did Boucher but Graham Smith was brilliant, finishing not out on 154 as South Africa won by 5 wickets.  (But there is a caveat, DRS would have revealed Smith was out to Panesar who bowled well).

We returned to Trent Bridge in 2010 to watch an England team that was settled under Strauss’ captaincy and was getting better and better.  Pakistan are always dangerous opponents though, although this team actually went home in disgrace in the end.  England scored 354 with Eoin Morgan of all people scoring 130.  When Pakistan replied they were all out for 182 with Anderson taking 5-54 and was by now recognisable as the bowler we came to admire.  On the fourth day England were extending their lead but became a bit bogged down, Matt Prior got things moving with 102 setting a target of well over 400.  Jimmy scored 2!  Then Pakistan’s second innings, wow!  Broad started things rolling with two quick wickets then Anderson had Imran Farhat caught by Strauss at first slip and the day ended at 15/3.  On the following day the crowd saw a Jimmy Anderson masterclass, he was just unplayable, finishing with figures of 15-8-17-6, all the wickets either LBW or caught in the slips – inswing or outswing, brilliant!  His match figures of 11/71 remain his career best.

In 2011 we saw the third day of England vs India at Trent Bridge. On this occasion we batted all day with 159 from Ian Bell along with half centuries from Pietersen and Morgan saw us over turn a first innings deficit. Jimmy didn’t get on the field that day but took five wickets in a match England ending up winning comfortably.  At the end of this series England were crowned the official number one team in the world.

Trent Bridge again in 2012 for a spring test match against the West indies who batted first and racked up a decent score of 370 with Samuals and Sammy both getting hundreds.  England were officially the best team in the world and responded well with a score of built around 142 from Strass who was still going when the entire Hastings family, three generations, arrived on the third morning.  England had a strong line up in those days and everyone chipped in with a few runs, except Bairstow who was worked over by Kemar Roach and Jimmy who was out for a duck but crucially we had a first innings lead.  When West indies went out again Jimmy opened the bowling and took the first two wickets; Barath LBW and Powell bowled to reduce them to 14/2 from which they never recovered.  When we left at the end of the day West Indies were 61/6 and were eventually all out for 165 with Anderson taking four.  England knocked off the required runs to win by nine wickets.

Later in the year we travelled down to the Oval to see the formidable South Africans again.  England had made 385 and in reply the Saffers were 86/1 at the beginning of the third day, Jimmy had taken the only wicket to fall.  On this occasion we got to watch Anderson bowl all day but it was a painful experience as Smith did us again with 131, then Amla and Kallis both got amongst the runs finishing the day unbeaten and going on to make big hundreds.  When South Africa declared on 637/2 Kallis was 182 not out and Amla had 311.  Suffice to say South Africa won by an innings and by the end of the series had replaced England as world number one. 

We returned to the Oval in 2013 for the ultimate, the first day of an Ashes test match!  This was the final test of a series we were leading 3-0 so there was no tension and we were confident of watching England roll the Aussies one more time.  It didn’t work out like that though as the day finished with Australia 316/4; Shane Watson of all people scored 176 and Steve Smith made 60 odd and completed his maiden test century the following day.  However we did see four wickets and the two from Jimmy couldn’t have been sweeter, David Warner caught at the wicket by Prior for 6 and Michael Clarke bowled through the gate for 7.  The game finished in a high scoring draw, Clarke set a target and England went for it and were on course before running out of time.

There have been hundreds of times when James Anderson had me out of my chair and punching the air but for nine of Jimmy’s 188 test matches I was at the ground and I saw him score 12 of his 1353 runs, take 1 of his 107 catches and 9 of his 704 wickets.  I’ve been lucky enough to see a dozen or more genuinely great English cricketers in the flesh but Jimmy Anderson may be the greatest of all.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

Six weeks now the Tory government will be finished and if the real history is recorded (but is it ever?) then this bunch of bastards will be renowned and remembered for their arrogance, recklessness, ineptitude, corruption, hypocrisy and utter dishonesty.  These people have allowed our rivers to be pumped full of shit and our taxes syphoned into their friends bank accounts.  Now the rats are literally leaving the sinking ship, ‘retiring’ in large numbers and heading back to the shelter of their pimps where they hope to live in luxury even though many of them should be heading for trial and prison.  Gove, Hancock, Dorries stand accused but their are bigger bastards hanging on and if the Tories think little Rishi is the problem then it can only mean they refuse to look in the mirror.

Any joy the Tory demise should bring is dampened by knowing the likely replacement is Keir fucking Starmer who welcomes ex Tory cowards like Poulter and Elphicke but bars true socialists like Corbyn and Abbott.  That’s all you need to know.  Starmer is owned by the Establishment just like the Tory criminals he will replace.  He will do precisely fuck all to improve the lives of ‘The Many’ and will be slaughtered by the media as they pave the way for Tories to slither back in a few years time.  As much as it hurts to say it, in the long run we’d almost be better off if the cunt loses.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  A quote attributed to Albert Einstein although this is disputed.  But whoever made this statement it’s what we all do every few years when Election time comes around again.  We pick the bastards in blue or the wankers in red then squabble amongst ourselves as if we’re backing football teams.  Whoever wins, nothing fucking changes.  And that’s the whole point, divide and conquer, it’s what politics does.  While we all argue amongst ourselves the inbred mutant class remains in control.

So why do we do it?  Because the media basically dismisses the other parties as comedy weirdos implying there are only two sensible choices and the herd blindly goes along with it?  Fuck that!  Vote for the Libs, vote Green, vote SNP, vote for the nutter with a bucket on his head and yes vote for Reform if you have a penchant for the goose step.  Just don’t vote red or blue.

The meaning of "Choice"?

When I was a kid electricity, gas and water aka ‘utilities’, were owned by the state, paid for by ‘rates’ which was tax by another name, either way the people paid.  These rates paid not only for the cost of the utility and its supply but also for the infrastructure that provided it.  Then it was all privatised to give us “choice.”

Now we have a situation where these utilities are run for profit and one of these PLC’s, Thames Water, has reached the situation where their practices are so shoddy they regularly dump sewage into our rivers, this comes after decades of shareholders taking their premium and putting nothing back into the business.  To put this right will need investment which the owners/shareholders refuse to fund unless prices rise by 40%, so Thames Water want the public to pay to clean up their shit while the shareholders maintain their wealth.  I think I need someone to explain this “choice” to me again.

I heard about this today on BBC radio news and found myself deeply uncomfortable because I actually agreed with a Michael Gove soundbite in which he attacked Thames Water.  I expect he’ll have forgotten this opinion once the election is over, whichever way it goes.  And on that subject, either way it’ll just be the same old shit.