Sunday, 31 January 2021

January

 A week and a bit into the New Year and it was already apparent that the shit parts of 2020 were doing their best to cling on and stay topical.  Most obviously in the US where soon to be former president Fart was clinging on like a small crusty turd, still refusing to accept he lost and trying to bully officials into inventing votes and carrying out exactly the kind of electoral fraud he is accusing others of.  Fart said “it’s all paedos, communists and the smelly people out to get me; I won big because I said so”.  Fart’s rebellion reached a farcical summit when his followers collectively cried “I believe in bullshit!” led by Manbearpig they stormed the capitol building and invaded the chambers.  When things had calmed down five people were dead, including one man who allegedly died of a heart attack after tasering himself in the bollocks.  Fart continued to vent obnoxiousness and was rewarded with a life ban from social media so his connection with morons was made a little more tenuous.

The media went mental claiming the storming was “terrorism”; it wasn’t, it was a riot.  It was also described as an “attack on democracy” which it possibly could have been if the US was as democratic as it pretends, which it isn’t, obviously.  This also gave British media mouthpieces an excuse to ignore what was happening under their own noses for a day or two which was basically the pandemic causing carnage, aided and abetted by a British government that should be put on trial for manslaughter. 

On Sunday 3rd PM Penis assured us it was safe for kids to return to school the following day.  Arses had barely touched seats when Penis declared it wasn’t safe after all and put the country back into stricter lockdown.  But things were not as strict as last spring when the situation wasn’t as bad, loads of people were still going to work.  By Friday the exploding infection rate and tragic daily death tolls reached new heights exactly two weeks after families had gathered together to celebrate something or other (FFS!)  Penis looked dishevelled which was normal so gave the herd confidence.  Off camera he was allegedly heard muttering something about “bloody nerds, bloody useless, is there a fridge handy?”

As the month rolled on the US insisted that its problems were more important than anything else and the rest of the world agreed.  World leaders who had been silent for four years suddenly dared criticise Fart who was condemned to be pelted with peaches for a second time.  This was a brief distraction for the herd in the UK who soon became infatuated with just how much profit there was to be made from £30 worth of school meals while the daily death toll was consistently above a thousand and globally the count topped two million.  But at least the vaccines were getting out there, not the fun punky band, the things that will hopefully make us all safe against the plague.

Will January ever fucking end?  The daily death toll continued to climb to new record highs while PM Penis decided that as it was bloody cold outside he might as well get back in the fridge.  It was cold in the US too as Fart puffed and squeaked before being led away from power looked back in regret thinking of the missed putt on the seventeenth.  He tottered into retirement already looking forward to a life of ridicule and jail time but until his day(s) in court Fart done what all fat, old, rich yanks do when they’ve finished working, he moved to Florida.  Old Joe is now in charge and he may be a total cunt for all we know but at least he can form a coherent sentence and has the decency to at least pretend he’s a reasonable bloke.  Meanwhile back in Blighty the herd continued to demonstrate its intellect by travelling from far and wide to gather together to and celebrate.  Celebrate what exactly?  Who the fuck cares!  Party!!

January crawled to a conclusion by which time the statistics were terrifying, one hundred thousand dead.  With a TV address due PM Penis wrote a brilliant speech that said “thank you for ignoring the nerds and listening to me!  You’ve been rewarded with lots of old relatives taken off your hands so it will cost you less next Christmas…”  He handed it to an advisor who almost fainted but recovered in time to rewrite it before the broadcast.  Penis read it and didn’t notice the changes, uncivil servants were relieved when he managed to avoid smirking in front of the cameras.  Meanwhile in the USA Ol’ Joe is still hanging in there.  At the very end of the month, after spending several years and much money in removing the UK from the EU it was announced that we the government had signed a trade agreement with another group of countries, in around the Pacific rim (yes the fucking Pacific) which included industrial powerhouses like Brunei and Malaysia.  Obviously this will be much more lucrative than dealing with our nearest neighbours.

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