Where do you start?

 Where the fuck do you start?  Well last week England were crowned world champions at the cricket thrashathon which was pleasing as we bloody well deserved it.  To be honest I didn’t really get involved until the final and then I was at work but England haven’t been world champions of very much at all in my lifetime.  If you weren’t a cricket fan you might not have even noticed which can’t be said for the current football world cup which you have to make an effort to avoid.  Holding the football world cup in a desert nation makes about as much sense as playing cricket in the Antarctic and when Qatar was announced as host nation it was the moment FIFA’s corruption became blatant.  This kind of mirrors wider society as in the post truth era, only a fucking idiot could fail to spot the corruption in western governments and beyond…

Summer ended with the departure of the liar de Pfeffel whose replacement was elected by polling seventy thousand Tory members.  They chose a total fuckwitt who barely had time to shit in the Downing street toilet before reality clamped it’s teeth down.  So she had to go and the replacement was voted in by 450 odd Tory MPs.  And they still claim this is a democracy!  Now at the gloomiest time of year all we here on the news is we’re in the shit and drowning in it.  Never mind, a bit of light relief on TV in the form of minor celebrities eating animal genitals and having shit thrown at them in a jungle.  But wait, we’ve got that cunt Halfcock’s gormless cranium on our screens!  Boils my piss, the wanker should be in the dock not on my fucking tele.                                                                                                                                      

Oh yeah there was some cricket

A few weeks have passed since the last test match which saw England win comfortably and take the series.  It was a shame the Saffers couldn’t bat because their bowlers were excellent and it would have been a tight series and given England a proper test.  This summer Stokes’ England have beaten the two teams that contested the world test championship final as well as the team that sat on top of the table mid summer.  It’s certainly been entertaining cricket but it remains to be seen if we can continue to be successful playing this way.  By this time next year we’ll have played another Ashes series and by then we’ll know what’s what.  One thing I’m certain of is Ben Stokes is a far better captain than Root will ever be.

Next up in December we play away in Pakistan in a test series for the first time in decades.  This will be tough and the home team will be favourites but I expect England to compete.  Since the new regime began the team selection has actually made sense, under Joe Root there were many times when it absolutely didn’t and not just at Brisbane.  New England have just picked what they believe are the best eleven players for the match in front of them and I’m sure this will continue.  Lees and Crawley are expected to keep their places and I hope they do well.  The selectors seem to think these two are as good as we’ve got so they may as well give them a good go.  The leading openers in county cricket have all been tried before; Burns, Hameed and Sibley have all done well this year but best of all has been Keaton Jennings who should be next in line should an opening appear.  Bairstow might still be unfit so Brooks should retain his place.  To win in Pakistan we’ll need our spinners to perform, Leach is our main man now even though Moeen Ali is reportedly available again.  We’ll need at least two spinners and Root should bowl too.  The major decisions might revolve around which seamers don’t play…

The Squad that probably won’t be picked;

Stokes, Crawley, Lees, Pope, Root, Brook, Jennings, Foakes, Ali, Leach, Parkinson, Anderson, Robinson, Wood, Potts, Broad.

Change

So, cricket!  The decider against South Africa starts this week after a return to the old England ways (shit one week, brilliant the next) sees the series all square.  There has been little debate about the make up of the team despite the top three only doing just enough to hang on to their places.  The openers in particular must contribute more, if not change must come.  It seems we have plenty of choice when it comes to bowlers who can take wickets on home pitches but the veterans are still as good as we’ve got. 

The final test of the summer could go either way, both teams are more than capable of taking twenty wickets and the saffer’s attack certainly surprised me.  Rabada is class and if the other two stay fit this trio will be a handful for any team.  England’s batting looks the stronger though, especially now the captain has stopped throwing his wicket away, this should be enough to see us take the series.

There’s also been this Hundred thingy on the tele.  I haven’t been interested and don’t care who wins but I have watched it simply because it’s been on.  For some reason I find the women’s game enjoyable but the men’s bores me, I think it’s because it’s just another white ball thrash which is absolutely nothing new and honestly I think the standard of cricket has been poor.  I don’t know why I prefer the women’s hundred, it doesn’t have the strength or speed but the skill is equal.  I think for the women this tournament is something new and I think they are more genuine in their appreciation, there is more passion and not just for the pay checks and exposure which they are long overdue.  Then again it could simply be because I’m just a dirty old man.  

Overall I think the hundred is bollocks but the format of the tournament would be a good starting point for revamping the domestic T20 game.  This may piss the counties off but combing the two short form thrashathons would create something greater than the sum of the parts.  But Test cricket is still the ultimate although I'm not sure the standard is as high as it once was and more unpopular change for the counties could be on the way.

And they're surprised!!

It appears there are still people left in the UK who believe what politicians say and more astounding there are people who can’t connect the state of our economy and society with forty three years of the same old shit i.e. neo lib Tory politics*.  These people say things like “I used to be a socialist but then I grew up…” and “everyone knows socialism doesn’t work”.  Wake up, open your eyes!  Capitalism doesn’t work either. 

Also there are people who cannot make a connection between rising fuel and energy prices and massive profits being paid to shareholders of fuel and energy companies.  This is a direct result of privatisation.  We were sold this by a Neo lib government who told us it would give us “choice”.  The only choice we have is who do we pay for our energy/phone/TV/every fucking thing.  The country is in the shit and this is down to forty three years of Tory capitalism*.  If you voted Tory you voted for privatisation, don’t moan about your bills, you’ve got what you voted for. There is nothing more gullible than a working class Tory.  (Definition :- if you don’t have an accountant you are working class).

We are told we live in a democracy, we don’t and we never have.  Our historic democracy was created when only the wealthy classes were allowed to vote, as recently as 1817 only 11% of the male population was allowed to vote.  As this percentage grew so our democracy has been shaped, moulded and perverted to ensure the upper class remains in control.  In 1941 George Orwell wrote; “The English electoral system, for instance, is an all-but open fraud. In a dozen obvious ways it is gerrymandered in the interest of the moneyed class.”  In the decades since things have been twisted further.

The next Prime Minister is being chosen by a tiny percentage of the population, a group of people who are either morons or corrupt.  The two candidates are both utterly unsuitable.  Rishi thinks it’s okay for his wife to evade paying tax, Truss is a total fuckwitt.  Both are self serving egomaniac bastards.  The fuckwitt will be the next PM because the uncomfortable truth is…  Rishi is just too brown for the racist Tory party.

Then we have Starmer, the most inept leader of any British political party in my lifetime.  The only explanation for him being so utterly useless is he’s doing it deliberately.  The bastard is bought and paid for, tucked up in somebody’s pocket.

*(NB  Anyone using Blair as a counter argument is a moron.) 

Latitude

We first went to Latitude festival in 2011 and had the time of our lives; music, comedy, fun and laughter it had everything.  So we went again the following year and it was just as good again so it became an essential part of our summer.  I think what we loved was it felt like we were stepping out of society for a few days to spend time in a community of like minded souls unconstrained by convention.  When we reluctantly re-entered the real world on the Monday morning we’d reject its values, preferring those of the world we’d just left.  We would start looking forward to the next festival immediately, ‘only fifty one weeks…’  I have spent some of the best days and nights of my life at Latitude festival and hoped I would do so forever.  But this weekend the festival was held just half an hour away, we didn’t go and have no regrets.

So what changed, was it us or was it them?  Maybe a bit of both.  We’re certainly a decade older now, days of exercise and nights of madness take more of a toll but we know how to pace ourselves, in every sense.  The festival gets more expensive every year which you’d expect, I can just about deal with paying £500 for the weekend for two of us but there needs to be a line up that backs this up and this year it just doesn’t.  I know there will be plenty of people for whom Lewis Capaldi and Snow Patrol are a musical orgasm but for us they have the opposite effect. But there have been other years where the line up hasn’t been anything to get excited about but we’ve gone anyway and had a great time but at £500 its now a bit of a risk. I get that a modern festival needs to make a profit, I understand I’ll be paying over the odds for anything and everything I choose to buy.  I might not like it but I accept it’s what has to happen for a festival to take place, I buy into it and play my part, but I have a right to expect value for money.

I think that’s the point, value for money, for the last few festivals we just haven’t been getting it from Festival Republic.  Forget the musicians and comedians they choose to book because everyone likes their own thing, what constitutes VFM for me might leave the new average Latitude goer thinking ‘WTF?’ which is how it should be.  I’m talking about all the other little things that make up festival life, many of these being the basic things that we need to exist through four days and nights in festival land.  I can tolerate paying too much money for food but I should expect it to be edible and it hasn’t always been, also I don’t deserve to feel ripped off which I have been numerous times over the years.  As for beer, Jesus Christ that is just daylight robbery, last I heard it was six quid for a warm pint of watered down lager, its outrageous but people pay and consume it, because that’s what you do ain’t it?  No wonder people take drugs…  But as we’ve established, I can live with this.  What FR has denied us in recent years are the simple things; adequate working toilets, at times running water and above all else, space. 

The beginning of the end was the appearance of “Luxury Loos”.  With this FR was showing it was possible to have something decent on which to shit but we’d have to pay extra for the privilege.  Just fuck off!  I find the very idea offensive, on every level, it’s like taxing a turd.  If you’re the kind of person who will pay bog tax without thought then we aren’t ever going to be friends.  Now luxury loos have become a fixture, there is no incentive for FR to maintain the stalls the rest of us have to use, if they are failing then more punters will pay up for the posh bogs.  Now it goes way beyond that, there’s Pink Moon camping and even Latitude luxury where you can pay more cash and enjoy a different festival experience to the rest of us.  As I get older I could potentially be tempted by these options but on the other hand it all goes against the festival ethos, it creates division, it isn’t what a festival should be about.

I suppose this brings me to my main gripe, what has most changed about Latitude is the audience, nowadays the people aren’t necessarily music fans.  Latitude was always dubbed the middle class festival and FR have definitely been keen to exploit this.  The location is perfect, close to the Suffolk coast where posh London likes to spend its weekends, it has become the festival of choice of public school kids and their parents.  They are not here for the music, they are here to see and be seen because that’s what the cool people do.  This group of people have slipped through the gates and slowly taken over and become the majority, just like their own nightmares of immigration.  These people don’t want to sleep in a tent, if they are not paying extra for luxury then they arrive in a campervan.

Over the years the space taken up by posh camping and campervans has grown and multiplied and swamped the spaces where the ordinary campers once dwelt.  Family camping has also stretched and taken ground and judging by the space that’s left, far more than is actually needed.  The areas left for ‘general camping’ have reduced to a fraction of what they were a decade ago, hence those of us wishing to use it are battling for space.  So we end up corralled together; no space, dodgy toilets and inconsistent drinking water while on the other side of the metal fencing we can see people with too much of everything.  To add to the insult we now have to camp way back adding miles to the legs over the weekend.  To get to and from the arenas we have to walk through a corridor of steel behind which are the camper vans and posh tents.  Latitude has become gentrified, they don’t want us anymore.

There lies the truth, we’d been gradually marginalised bit by bit over the years but the last two festivals we’ve been made almost unwelcome.  It’s like “Okay come if you must but camp out of the way and behave yourselves, don’t annoy the beautiful people”.  The small stage hosting Indie bands has gone as has much of the festival’s diversity, the old tag line “More than just a music festival” has also disappeared, now it really is just another music festival catering for people who just listen to radio 2 and even then it’s just in the car.  These are people that don’t know how to party and it’s their kind that runs the world.  In the beginning when you entered Latitude festival you were taking a break from the real world but now its encroachment is obvious and it’s waiting to grab your cash.  The festival as we knew it is gone never to return but I still hope we return to Henham park, all it would take is the right band or musician and we’d definitely be tempted. 

Have I missed Latitude this year?  If we had tickets this year Little Simz would have been my one and only “must see” artist, followed by Groove Armada in the Big tent and that’s potentially a very good Saturday night which in hindsight I would like to have experienced. But that alone does not give me value for money.  In the beginning the Latitude experience was a magical weekend from beginning to end but the last couple of years it had become a few magic moments amongst a lot of physical toil.  But I am sitting here now thinking back to past festivals and remembering wonderful, beautiful, emotional experiences and I hope I’ll experience the like again.

De Pfeffel

A liar, always, the only consistency throughout his life.  His careers in journalism and politics were both greatly advanced by his lies but also, in the end curtailed by them.  He lied to his employers, he lied to all of his wives and mistresses, he lied to parliament, he lied to the monarch and he lied to the British people every time he opened his mouth.

Not just a liar but a hypocrite, caught red handed breaking the very rules he’d set.  Rules that were good enough for visiting a sick relative or even a royal funeral but could be bent out of shape for a Downing street party.  The Prime minister that broke his own laws.

In both of his careers he has been a purveyor of fear and hate; Homophobia, xenophobia, bigotry of all types including published racism, stark and nasty.  Take away the accent and the elaborate language (often used out of context), he could be addressing a Klan rally in Alabama.    All of this bullshit and bluster was driven by his ambition for revenge after being bullied at Eton. De Pfeffel has done more damage to this country than any other politician.

How the hell did he get there?  Who was responsible for allowing this man to stand for parliament?  How can people believe in democracy when people like De Pfeffel and Trump are on the ballot, when MP’s routinely lie in parliament yet they can’t be called out for doing so, when our last three Prime Ministers have been elected by such a tiny proportion of the population?

How can there still be a few, mostly elderly, ordinary people who claim to still support the man?  Do they think lies and hypocrisy are okay?  Or are they just a flock of bleating morons?

But he says he’s stepping down now, although he’s not actually resigned yet and as he has repeatedly proven, he’s not a man to be trusted.  But for once let’s say he does what he says he will, history should judge him harshly along with the bastards and morons who put him there.  He should leave office in disgrace, through the back door

Alexander De Pfeffel Boris Johnson.  Liar, hypocrite, misogynist, bigot, egomaniac, charlatan, total cunt.

Odd Boy Out by Gyles Brandreth

I can’t help liking Gyles Brandreth.  Apart from being a former Tory MP he comes from a class and background that I can’t empathise with.  He’s a spoilt child of privilege and has led an effortless life that would not be possible for someone coming from more ordinary stock.  But he tells a great story and comes across as a decent sort of bloke, very witty, entertaining and most importantly, honest.  In old age he has developed self awareness and a great ability to make himself the butt of the joke.  He has realised how lucky he has been.  The book is a memoir of the first twenty five years of his life but because of his amusing habit of going off on tangents the reader gets a good look at the other, later parts of his life too.

What the book unwittingly reveals is if you came from the right class, went to a top school and Oxbridge, spoke with the right and accent and most importantly had enough self confidence, then for someone of GB’s generation at least, the world literally was your oyster.  Doors open, connections are made, more than being given a leg up these people are handed a step ladder.  And everyone knows everyone else; politicians, actors, TV celebrities.  They all went to the same schools, lived in the same little world and shared life’s spoils.  And nowadays it’s their offspring that are doing the same thing.  The stars quoted on the cover endorsing the book are all personal friends of GB and the publications are former employers.

But I can’t help liking Gyles Brandreth and overall this was a good read although perhaps not as funny as I’d hoped.