Cricket but not as we know it

The Boxing day Test, essential listening (or viewing at times) at the end of Christmas day.  Sitting  there half pissed hoping to hear England do well.  In 2010 it was wonderful, glorious but every other time it’s been grim.  Tonight it started steady, Atkinson kept things tight but at the other end…  Is Carse short for carthorse?  Gus struck and the Aussies got stuck.  Tongue came on at the other end and nipped two out in no time.  A good time to go to bed but by the time I’d tidied up, brushed me teeth and climbed the stairs he’d nipped Smith out too!  That’ll do nicely thanks Father Xmas.

The following morning one of the first things I done after regaining consciousness was click on the Cricinfo app, I shouldn’t have been surprised.  This time they’re blaming the pitch and they may have a point but it makes no difference.  As bad as the scorecard looks, unbelievably England are not yet out of it so I’ll tune in again this evening, I wonder what will be happening by the time I go to bed… 

Things were tight and a couple of wickets fell before I went upstairs but when I woke the following morning I was in no hurry to check the score.  I assumed things would be grim so when I saw the score my jaw dropped and I nearly dropped me mug of tea.  England won by four wickets with Bethell top scoring and Carthorse took four wickets.  It’s good to be proved wrong.  The first win down under in fifteen years which is great but that just makes me even more frustrated!!  We should have won in Perth which would have immediately shifted the pressure onto the Aussies and then who knows what would have happened?  At worst we’d have been going to the SCG at 2-2 and my money would have been on an away win.  

But I'll allow myself this rare pleasure of celebrating a Test win down under, outside the winning series in 1986 and 2010 I think that's just the fourth time i can remember, making only nine in total. I think England can and will win a tenth next week which would make the score look respectable and arguably show we could/should have won this series.  If only they’d had not taken the preparation for granted.

Ashes, agonising and antagnonising

A few days ago the result that seemed a formality after day two in Perth was confirmed so putting us out of our misery, until the next time.  England did show a little fight this time but not until the game was as good as gone.  England have had the players to be competitive this time which is what makes this latest thrashing so frustrating.  At least the coach has shown some humility in the aftermath but he’ll need to answer some serious questions around planning, preparation and selection.

I still think England can win a match or two on this tour but our chances will not be helped by injury to Jofra, who has probably been our best player to this point.  This means Carse gets to play another Test match or two which should be his last because nothing he’s done since becoming ever present in the side merits repeated selection.  Ollie Pope has finally been put out of his misery so can look forward to finding his groove with Surrey next summer, he is good enough to come back again just not at three.  Predictably Jacob Bethell, who has played virtually no cricket this year replaces him but as far as runs on the scoresheet goes, I doubt we’ll see much change.  Like the great Jacques Kallis, Ben Stokes should bat at three.  Nobody in the squad has a better technique and it could set the tone for the batsmen that follow.  Also Will Jacks retains his place which means England won’t have any control from the spin option and we wonder WTF has the whole Bashir thing been about?  No one will be pondering this more than Jack Leach.

Despite all of this I still think if England can make a big first innings score at the MCG we can control the game and go on to win.  Even in the era of Warne, McGrath, Ponting and the Waughs we at least managed to win a test on those tours.  If our poorest teams could do this against Australia’s greatest then this team should be doing much better.

Ashes Humble Pie

A couple of years ago I was calling England the best team in the world and for a while they played as if they could be.  I should have known it couldn’t last, the history of the game tells us this but I went along with it because I’m a fan and I want to believe.  Now three days into the second Ashes Test match, what should have been obvious is suddenly blindingly so and in that light my foolishness can’t hide.  To be fair to myself I’ve been critical too in the recent past; I think Stokes is an excellent on field captain so in my mind the problem has to be the (other) Kiwi. Even so, had I made a prediction before this series I’d have gone for an England win but right now I’m thinking we’ll probably be 2-0 down by this time tomorrow.  I can tell myself the win may still be possible, we almost pulled it off before but I remind myself we should have won that series comfortably.  At this moment I’m not even sure I want England to come back, because that would mean Bazbollocks would be vindicated.  It’s like having too much booze, great fun right up until the point when the very thought of it makes you want to puke.  The anger comes from frustration, this time around England are/were very capable of beating Australia and this chance is being thrown away.  The truth is Bazbollocks has made us all look stupid, fans and team and I hope the coach feels this too.

The more I think about it the more England’s bizarre decision making becomes obvious to see.  Starting with the strange ‘out of nowhere’ selections, some like Bashir have worked to an extent but I still don’t rate him as highly as Leach.  Like Crawley, Bashir has been selected because the brains trust think he’s the right type of bowler for pitches down under, now we’re there he hasn’t played and Jacks was selected ahead of him because the batsmen keep fucking up.  Then there’s the Bethell situation which began about a year ago.  We’ve had a young, talented but unproven batsmen waiting in the wings, not playing cricket but putting pressure on another player just by being there.  Now he doesn’t look like being picked and he’s wasted a year of learning through playing.  The under pressure Pope just about clings to his spot and is rewarded by having the vice captaincy taken away and given to Brook.  Yes Harry has obvious talent but I’m starting to suspect this outstrips his intelligence.  Jamie Smith’s form started to slide in the second half of the India series but now his descent looks to be accelerating with both bat and crucially, gloves.  At the moment I can’t see him getting a run down under and if he keeps dropping catches the only player who can take the gloves is Pope.  Having Bethell bat at three suddenly seems a ridiculous idea and it’s hard to see how it ever looked like a good one.  Back to the bowlers, Josh Tongue looked a player this summer but for the end of that series and the beginning of this he’s been left out, meanwhile the more Carse bowls in Tests the more average he looks.  We shouldn’t forget that virtually the first move of the Bazbollocks Ashes strategy was to send England’s greatest bowler off into retirement.  How did we not recognise how disgraceful this was at the time?

Listen to me, the second test isn’t even done yet and here I am reacting like we’ve lost 5-0!  When I criticise an England player I want them to prove me wrong, I want them to make me eat my words!  Stokes and Jacks could defend and accumulate just like West Indies managed to do in New Zealand.  We might manage to set some kind of target and if we bowl well…  I’ve been here too many times before.  My final slice of humble pie concerns the Saffers who reacted in the right way to my slagging after the WTC by winning away in India and proving me wrong again.  I hope England get the message.